Tis the Season

Christmas was wonderful. I wish I could have spent some of it in Arizona, but it was lovely regardless. Jake and I bought two posters not long after we were married that we finally got to do something with. Jake's dad built frames for them and they're gorgeous. One is of the Statue of Liberty while it's still in Paris and under construction. It's going in our dining room. The other is of the Golden Gate Bridge, ironically, too, under construction, and it's going above our mantle. I couldn't stop starring at them when I saw the finished project.

I've been having a lovely time with Jake. I know I'm going to hate when school rolls around again. He's been playing piano and we've been singing church hymns and Ricky Ian Gordon. We've both been a little bit sick so the RIG stuff isn't at it's best, but I love to just be near him and love on him and talk, talk about everything and nothing and all of the things that we talk about that all the time remind me why he's the one I am supposed to spend my life with.

I have to wear glasses full-time now. I went to the eye doctor and my eyes have crossed the line, however(!), because of astigmatism, I have to wear a special kind of contact, a certain type that you can only get after your eyes have reached a certain level....mine are "one-click" away, so it's glasses "for the next 6-12 months." I had a time when I was looking at frames. I'd never picked anything out that is so permanent. I found a really cute pair that I wasn't anticipating discovering, but I couldn't not get them. I'll post a picture when they're actually in my possession.

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Some People...

My mom told me yesterday that Josh Jeffrey got home from his mission on Thursday. For those of you who don't know (I'm not exactly sure of my audience), I dated Josh for quite a time in high school, he broke my heart. Blah Blah Blah. Anyway, she told me he was back and I was really happy for him. It was weird, however, to think that marriage probably isn't too far off for him. It's strange that he will have little, if anything, to do with the rest of my life, but he made was so much in a certain time in my life. I think about him every now and then, in a more positive light than not (Sorry for anyone who doesn't know the story, it's long and a little twilight zone-ish...it involved me weighing 89 pounds over worry the summer he was "just friends" with a girl I happened to see him kissing in the parking lot one day), and I really wish him the best. My life is so different and wonderful, and I hope he finds someone who is just as good for him as Jake is for me. I hope he deserves someone like that. It feels so good to be in this place. Josh is the only person I've ever hated. It was for a time span of approximately 4-5 seconds where I felt rage like I'd never known...I knew in that time that it was hate, and I wasn't accustomed to it, and hope to never feel it again. "May the road rise to meet him, and the wind be always at his back..."

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4 down

Two finals left to go. Two finals and three essays. I feel REALLY great about 2 of them, pretty good about another, and I have no idea on one. I can never tell how I'm going to do on that professors tests.

Right now I'm wearing a t-shirt that used to be my moms that I've had basically my whole life as a night-shirt. I put it on tonight over two other shirts and it pretty much fits. Yay for Hardware Affaire in Laguna Beach, CA 1984. I'm also not wearing a bra. I don't know why that's important other than I was feeling completely constricted and now I'm not.

I finished reading the Book of Mormon today. Somewhere in the jungle of blogs I said that I was starting it..and now I'm done. I don't really remember how many times this is through. I love it even more every time I go cover to cover. You read and read and it's always such a treat to end up in the last chapter of Moroni...for anyone who wants to read it you can go here:

http://scriptures.lds.org/bm/contents

I hope that if any of you do look into it that you enjoy.

I'm going to freshen up my violin skills over Winter Break...ha, if I make it there. I am making it. I keep getting tempted to grab it down from the top of the closet, but I'll end up spending too much time on it and that wouldn't be good right now....good like writing this right now. Anyway, the only songs I remember in my head from my few years of playing are Mary Had a Little Lamb, Twinkle Twinkle (which means I also know the ABC's as well as Bah Bah Black sheep - how disappointing), I also remember a song called Perpetual Motion. Wow that was a long time ago, before I was even big enough for a full size violin. I'm also going to take a few piano lessons. I still have every intention of being the world's greatest church organist...yeah, that's right.

I still have an hour before I go get Jake and in all honesty, I could have gone to bed a few hours ago. He's playing for a percussion ensemble that rehearses from 9 PM-12 AM. If it wasn't finals week, I would be right there along with him, only usually in the library until it closes...only when it does close, creepy guys approach you with their hands in their pants and then come beside you, light a cigarette and try to make small talk. Thank heavens for cell phones, mom's, and the two hour time difference that existed at the time...and that OCU is a small campus.

I really miss Arizona - my homeland. It's in my blood...The desert is...the desert and the mountains, and the record to hitting rattlesnakes with my car, and the fact that all of them survived. Jake and I might go out for Spring Break. If we are able to, I want to go on two hikes. One to the petroglyphs, and the other to flat iron. I want Jake to know, by being a part of, what is so deep inside of me. I'm glad I got to grow up in such a magical place.

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Survivor and Surviving Finals

Jake and I are in the midst of studying for finals. Bluh. I have four tomorrow! One is comprehensive of the whole semester, two are comprehensive from midterm, and one is just the unit we've been working on, (she breathes a sigh of relief). Jake has a a final that has two prep examples of the essay question that's going to be on the test. One of the questions doesn't even make sense. The way it's worded is like nearly impossible to answer. I feel really bad for that.

Okay, so in the midst of all the studying, I tuned into Survivor. I CANNOT believe that Stephanie didn't win. I was so disappointed. I just don't know how I can bring myself to watch it ever again. I’ve never really even been a big watcher of it anyway, I just really enjoyed her and Rafe. Yeah, so Danni's nice, but Steph totally should have won.

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Thinking out loud

I want to write. Write something, anything. I want to write something that isn't a critical view of George Herbert or F. Scott Fitzgerald, and what possibly could have been a motivating theme in his works. I want to write about what the world is, what it is to me...why can't I? Maybe it's because I'm too busy critically analyzing things I already understand and am forced to sit and consume my time with them. Maybe it's because my mind is so consumed with everyday humdrum things - things that aren't really important - things in which I can find neither beauty nor pain, or anything in between, just things that must be done. I've turned into an unreasonable symbol that I created. Must get good grades, must have good appearance, must not...must not what? Is that it, is that all of them. Are those the two things that I'm completely consumed by? How superficial. I definitely don't have bad grades, but I'm sure they'd be even better if I didn't worry about them so much. I don't do anything more to make them better in my overzealous approach to them, so worrying is a completely unnecessary component.

Stop worrying, stop wondering, start being!

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Holding Hands

This semester I'm taking "The Exceptional Child." It deals with the laws concerning, as well as different modifications for, both students who have disabilities and those who are gifted. I went and did the three hours of field experience required at the elementary school our class was assigned to. Those were three of the most memorable hours of my life.

I'm going to tell you about the two pictures I received from two of the students there. One girl drew a Christmas tree. She had drawn it before lunch and I didn't think too much of it until she gave it to me. You see, on our way to lunch we walked together, she was using her walker and ran into my a few times because she doesn't have a lot of control over direction, but she asked how I spell my name. I told her and we went over it a few times on our journey, she got it, even the capital 'A.' When I got the picture, I turned it over and it said "To: BrieAnn." I know I tend to be overly emotional, but that meant so much. The second picture was from a girl who only has a physical disability. She is in a wheelchair and came into our class because it was too cold outside for her at recess. Her picture had some flowers and grass, and she didn't have time to draw a sun but told me I could go ahead and draw it on there. Standing amid the grass and flowers were her and I holding hands. I didn't even think about it when she gave it to me, for her to draw herself standing near me. I'm glad I didn't see it in front of her because a tear did come to my eye when I realized it. All of the kids were so bright and beautiful and they all worked so hard, so much harder than I'll ever have to work. Some had to think about the sounds, not just the letter and what it meant to the word. Some really struggled to understand concepts like that and others knew so much, but their ability to express themselves inhibited peoples' perceptions of what they are capable of.

I am just so glad I had the opportunity to go. It was absolutely amazing. I want to go back and help every now and then, just to be around them and a part of their world.

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Whatever

Yeah, so Italian Wedding Soup is really great! I have another late night infront of me. 16 hours at school, ahhh! At least I get to go home, not just walk across campus to Cokesbury, how nice. I need to be in class in approximately 13 minutes. I was at OU this weekend. The campus is so beautiful! I watched the A&M game in the student union. It was so fun. It made me really wish I was at a bigger university...that and the library, holy cow, it was amazing -- better than I could have even imagined. I almost expected more secret spaces but the "book decks" made up for it ten-fold...And all of those books! They were so old and beautiful! I just wanted to move right in and start reading them all. I'm sure I would get to all of them all the way through, but just to skim through every cover. Ha, I'm almost giddy. Well, that 13 minutes has turned to 4 (I took a bathroom break). Adios for now.

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Four flights and strikes

So I'm still recovering from my trip up the stairs to the fourth floor of the library. When I reached the halfway point between three and four, and found myself completely out of breath, I thought about the prophet of our church, Gordon B. Hinckley, and how he climbs the stairs to his fourth floor office everyday. The difference: I'm 20 and he's 95. My only defense was that I was carrying about 25-30 pounds of stuff. I hope that this semester and all of my book carrying is making me super macho.

Okay, so the mine (a copper mine) my dad works at has been on strike since this summer. My dad, as a member of management, and on a salary (not just paid hourly), goes to work everyday...for 12 hours a day because of the lack of workers. He started out having to do this 7 days a week, but after they figured out how many people they had they were able to schedule in some days off for those who are working. I was talking to my mom last night and she said that when he goes to work he has to drive through all of the picketers...and they yell vulgar things at him. One thing they call him is a scab. A "scab" is someone who either refuses to join a union or still works while the rest of the workers are on strike. My dad is not a member of the union as his position does not allow him to be, which means he's not just going to work to spite them (and there are some who are members of the union, but can't afford to go on strike). Anyway, it made me very mad. I want to go stand on the other side and picket for kindness and respect. We had the president of one of the Oklahoma's teacher unions come in and talk to one of my classes about joining. After that meeting I had no desire whatsoever to join a union and came to the conclusion that if unions were really doing what they claim to do, there wouldn't be unions anymore. By being a part of one, and by still existing at all, means that they haven't done anything to improve the condition of the individual worker, if they still have to hide behind the union. Their voice isn't loud enough or what they have to say doesn't mean enough to be respected or taken seriously alone. And how ethical is it to be the reason a man must work 12 hour days and then taunt him as he shows up to get the job done. Bah!

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Tap Dancing

So Elizabethtown is one of my very favorite movies, ever.

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Oh Virginia

I should be working on a research paper that isn't do until the end of the semester, but somehow our rough draft is due on Monday. It's over Francis Scott Fitzgerald, but my choice, only because I couldn't think of a good thesis to do one over William Carlos Williams and his work.

About all of these authors and poets I enjoy, I haven't found one without a pretty powerful flaw. FSF=Alcoholic; Virginia Woolf=Putting rocks in her pockets and walking into a river; WCW=Extreme Adulterer...There are several more, but those are the ones I've been thinking about most lately. I think they all just needed to be loved and appreciated, either as an individual or as a writer. We all need to be loved. I'm pretty sure it's one of the strongest driving forces in life. Not love itself, but the desire to be loved. That's basically what my paper is going to be about.

As for right now though, I'd like to curl up in this, my corner of the library with some Virginia Woolf book...or a good book on deconstruction and a piece I can rip to shreds using that theory. Either way, I do not want to work on my paper just yet.

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Winston, Lucille, and Pork Roast

Winston is our dryer, Lucille is our washer, and I'm making a pork roast for dinner....Really it's going to end up being pork burritos. I'm looking forward to them. We FINALLY got internet installed in our apartment, that's nice. It felt a little empty without it, that's a little weird.

So I looked at my midterm grades in their entirety and they're not exactly what I want them to be. I was very frustrated yesterday because I know everything that's going on in all of my classes, I read everything, I look at everything, but I have done terribly on all of the tests I've taken. I'm trying to figure it out. I also worry too much about all of these things. I never used to worry about anything like that...and then my very first semester of college happened and ever since I've felt like I have to prove myself something. All in all, I completely get on my nerves for how up-tight I am when it comes to school. It's not part of nature to be up-tight, ever. I don't know why I let myself worry so much. I'm sure I'd do much better if I didn't care so much about it. If anyone has any relaxation techniques, let me know.

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I swear there's something theraputic...

001. Name: BrieAnn
002. Nick name: Breezy
003. Single or taken: TAKEN!
004. Place of Birth: Mesa, Arizona
005. Zodiac Sign: Taurus
006. Male or Female: Female
007. Your last name: Johnson, could there be any more of us?
008. School: OCU: Oklahoma City University
009. Occupation: Student
010. Residence: The most beautiful apartment anyone has ever seen.
011. Children: Not so much, yet.

__Your appearance___

012. Hair Color: Blonde, enhanced only slightly, it is still my natural color
013. Hair Long or Short: Somewhere in the middle, YES!
014. Eye Color: Blue
015. How do your nails look: Eek, you should have asked before midterms.
016. Height: 5'3 1/4"
017. Do you have a crush on someone: Sure do
018. Do you like yourself? I think so.
019. Braces? Sometimes I miss running my tongue over my top braces.
020. Think your hot?: I was once told I was one of the cute people, not in the hot category, I try as often as I can to turn it around.
021. Piercing: My ears
022. Tattoos: I know I would be bored with it after about a week.
023. Righty or Lefty: Right for writing, both fo some other stuff.

___Your 'Firsts'___

024. First Kiss: Hmm, depends. The only one I care about really: During I am Sam...Jake still had braces and I'd already put my retainer in...it was perfect.
025. First make out: Blankity Blank, Blank, Blank
026. First best friend: Megan Lund, my cousin - We were the best
028. First Sport You joined: Cheerleading in fourth grade
029. First pet: Nerd, a black cat
030. First vacation: Aside from visiting family, San Francisco.
031. First REAL Concert: George Strait or Spice Girls, I don't remember which came first.
032. First Love: Bluh...even though I don't weight less than 90 pounds anymore.

___ Favorites___

033. Movie: It's a Wonderful Life
034. TV: CSI, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, Friends, Mad About You
036. Music: Lots of stuff.
037. Song: Wow, so many.
038. Food: Chicken Noodle Soup and meatball subs.
039. Drink: Water and Jamba Juice
040. Candy: I like chocolate
041. Sport to play: KICKBALL!!!
043. Brand Of Clothing: When I find one, I'll let ya know.
045. School: There are so many different ways I can answer this.
046. Animal: We want a dog like no other, but it would be alone all the time.
047. Books: Coming of Age stuff...
048. Magazines: Ensign

___Currently___

049. Eating: "Ate" a turkey sandwich and some tomato juice
051. Mood: Antsy (note the survey)
052. Online: Yes
053. Listening: The hum of Eleanore's fan.
054. Thinking About: 4:30
055. Wanting To: go home or fly a kite...my kite is at home
056. Watching: Hands in my screen.
057. Wearing: Clothes...some jeans, a sweatery thing and another sweater.


___Your Future___

058. Want Kids?: I sure do!
059. Want to Get Married? Umm...I sure DID
060. Careers in Mind: Well, I want to teach Englsih, but I've been messing with the idea of getting another degree in Art History...I'm pretty set on it actually.

__Which is better with the Opposite Sex___ ......

*I've answered this section in terms of my advice on what's most important.*

067. Cute or Sexy?: Cute
068. Lips or Eyes: Eyes
069. Hugs or Kisses: Hugs
070. Short or Tall: Doesn't matter
071. Easy going? Definitely
072. Romantic or Spontaneous: Up to individual personalities...and this question is a trick because you can totally be both.
073. Fatty or Skinny: Doesn't matter
074. Sensitive or Loud: Sensetive
075. Hook-up or Relationship: Relationship
076. Sweet or Caring: Both
077. Trouble Maker or Hesitant one: Neither...Confident

___Have You Ever___

078. Kissed a Stranger: No
079. Drank Bubbles: No
080. Lost glasses/contacts: No
081. Ran Away From Home: Kind of
082. Broken a Bone: No
083. Got an X-ray: Yes, several
084. Broken someone’s Heart: Yes, but my heart has been broken enugh for a few people so somehow all that stuff works itself out.
085. Broke Up With Someone: Yes, but not the one I wish I would have.
086. Turned someone down: Yes
087. Cried When Someone Died: Yes
088. Cried At School: In college even (silly poetry class).

___Do You Believe In___

089. God: Always, the one thing I know is definitely constant.
090. Miracles: Everyday
091. Love At First Sight: I believe I've proved this one to be so.
092. Ghosts: I suppose I do, but not the haunting, eery kind, well, that's not what I'm talking about...how about all spirits living on after death.
093. Aliens: Not in the Independence Day kind of way.
095. Heaven: Yes
096. Hell: Yes
098. Kissing on the First Date: Umm...I don't know that I ever did, so I'm pretty sure I didn't believe in it for myself.

___Answer Truthfully___

100. Is There Someone You Want But You Know You Can't Have?
Not "want" in a certain applied way. I want to meet my grandmother, but I'm not ruling it out yet.

The End.

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Wow

Jake and I have moved into our new, completely wonderful apartment. It's gorgeous. More than anything we could have hoped for. Things aren't entirely worked out with Cokesbury yet. We do, however, have a girl who wants to take over our lease, the manager just keeps running us around and making herself very unavailable. Like the week before last, she was only in the office for a day and a half out of the whole week. I won't go into the whole story because it's long and still makes me a little upset.

We bought a washer and dryer last night. I don't know about anyone else, but that feels like such a huge step in some grand scheme of things. It will be delivered on Friday. It could have been as early as tomorrow but we'll be in school. YAY! When my mom was here for Jake's recital she took us to Sam's Club and got us a super ton of food. It was pretty much awesome. She also got us a huge thing of laundry detergent because I knew we would son be done with Laundromats and having to haul all of our stuff with us. I also got some Downy, which I haven't used in forever. And, we got a pumpkin pie candle for our apartment...yum!

Tomorrow we officially start back to school after Fall Break. I have two tests, other than that I'm glad. I won't be stressed out all the time because of my dwelling. The opera will also be over in a little under two weeks. I don't get to see Jake much. Sometimes it's really hard because he's my favorite person to hang out with. I don't like it when he doesn't get home until almost 11. He is a very hard worker, and the busiest person I've ever met in my whole life...and the most organized to fit something in at nearly every single moment of his day...and night too. I love him dearly.

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Pray with me!

Or you can just hope if you'd like. Jake and I went to visit some friends last night and to look at their apartment, yeah for Brandon and Jennifer and their wedding on December 31....and NO, they are NOT living together! They just went out and found an apartment for when they get married that Jennifer currently occupies. Anyway, the apartments are gorgeous! Jake and I hate where we live for several reasons. The only thing we like about it is that it's right across the street from school...and it is a bit endearing because it was our first apartment, but that's it! I still don't get any sleep!
So I called the leasing agent for our friends’ apartments (which is a very small complex) and there just happens to be an opening for the apartment that is perfect for us. It has crown molding! CROWN MOLDING! Our apartment doesn't even have baseboards! So I went to talk to our leasing office about breaking our lease. The manager was not there. She's never there when we've needed to talk to her and she won't be back until tomorrow. Anyway, I think it might be difficult to get out of our lease, but hopefully they'll just give us credit for being here for so long and I don't know, not being loud! You can get out of your lease if someone takes over, I just don't know if anyone will be in the market. That's a guaranteed out. We just don't want to be here anymore and a great apartment is open, sigh. Just send good wishes our way that we'll be able to put this place behind us...Did I mention that the apartment we want has washer and dryer connections? It also has REAL tile...not our peeling up, cracked linoleum. It also has a fire place, a private balcony....EVERYTHING we've been looking for! AND it's twice as big as our apartment for $200 less per month. I know, you can fall over now too. Our view would be trees, not a parking lot. And I bet the air conditioning comes on without having to slam the closet door shut. Anyway, Hope and pray with all your might!

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Awareness and a Recital

I'm really sleepy right now. I've had so much to say all day, but now that I'm actually sitting down to say it, there's nothing. Today was a busy day for me. Mondays will always be busy for me this semester. I have one class from 9-10 and then classes from 12-8:40. I KNOW! I'm getting it done though, and there is definitely a great amount of pride in that. Our school is doing a cancer awareness week. A sorority and fraternity are actually heading it up. I think it's really important. One of the girls from the sorority passed away earlier this year from ovarian cancer. I didn't know her because she had been out of school doing treatments (I assume) and trying to get well since I'd been here. Her story really touched me though. She had been Miss OCU, and had a platform of fire awareness. I just think it's so sad. Whenever anyone young has cancer I think about Alex and how great his outcome was compared to so many others. Anyway, when she passed away I thought a lot about what I was doing in life, and whether or not I was living it to the fullest. I'm sure she could have never imagined not living past her early twenties. It's especially hard when the thing that took her life is so uncommon in young women. I guess what I'm trying to get at in all of this is make sure you're keeping current with all of your exams. Guys and Girls! Just because something is uncommon at our age doesn't mean it's impossible, so don't take any chances. Her name is Brooke Haley by the way. Maybe another point is you never know how the story of your life will touch others.

Jake's Junior Piano Recital is October 1, at 7:00 in Petree. It will be a real treat for anyone who can come! It would be a real treat for us to have everyone who wants to come there.

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A big ball of cheese

So I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. I don't know if anyone else feels this way, but if you don't get enough sleep you feel a little sick to your tummy all day...Anyway, the reason: The guy upstairs music. He'd been listening to it all day long. Which is fine, it just makes me feel really anxious, why, I don't know. So Jake and I go to bed around 11ish (Jake gets up at 5), and he always falls asleep really fast, but I sure don't especially with the thumping coming from. 1:15 rolls around and there is still music...I just can't handle it so I go into the bathroom (the only place I can turn a light on and not disturb Jake) and write our neighbor upstairs a note in a card. It ended up being a very long note...what else did I have to do? I kind of introduced Jake and I and how Jake gets up at 5 because it's the only time he has to go and practice...and how I usually end up waking up at 5 too, even if I don't get up. You're asking: why didn't you just go ask him to turn it down? Jake had once...not last night, but our neighbor said he wouldn't play it at night. Okay. So I took the card up around 2ish and put it on a clip next to his door and came back down. Still music. I went upstairs again, knocked on his door and hand delivered it, asking that he please turn the music down. The awful part about it all, is that he's not some obnoxious, careless neighbor. He's really nice and his music wasn't even up very loud, our walls are just incredibly thin (and I'm a super light sleeper). I didn't want to be the "noise police," but I couldn't stand it any longer. With the three hours of sleep I did end up getting, and in thinking back on the whole thing...I might be one of the only people in the world to send a card to someone explaining all of the reasons why they should turn their music down.

Oh yeah, I think I’ve already talked about my sparkly shoes somewhere, but I’m going to talk about them again. I love them. I think everyone needs a pair of sparkly shoes. It just makes a heart happy.

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Lemonade Stand

My day was very good today, very fortunate. I'm quite blessed. My mother-in-law, Tracey, called us today and she, Jake's dad, Vaughn, and brother, Parker, all came up and they took us shopping for school clothes and out to eat. I got lots of great things and it was really just fun to spend time with them without all of the normal "life" interruptions that always seem to get in the way of a good visit. I didn't find any gauchos that I wanted (Who knew Judi Wharton was really ahead of her time), but I did find some jeans and shirts that I can stand up completely straight in. Thanks for the tips about the new longer lengths at Old Navy, Andrea.

I have so thoroughly enjoyed my time with Jake this weekend. Our lives are CRAZY during the school year. He leaves so early in the morning to go practice and doesn't usually get home until the evening. He brings me so much joy. I know that a life's full potential is amazing. I just never imagined it could ever be so wonderful. I am so in love with him.

Tonight on the news there was a 5-year-old little girl who wanted to help "all of the people that lost their homes in Hurricane Katrina." Her grandma told her she might be able to sell some lemonade, so she did. She stood out on the corner with a little stand that was decorated with grass skirts and leis. She was in her swimming suit and a grass skirt of her own. As cars drove up she asked the people if they'd like pink or yellow. She went through a little description of how she made the lemonade, which she said wasn't very hard, "you just mix a few cups of water with it and stir." I was just so touched by her and the sweet way she'd say thank you and you're welcome. I was just so glad that I got to hear her story. Now that I'm writing about it, I guess I can't really describe how exactly it made me feel. She raised $125 today and I think she's going to keep it up.

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The Gulf

I haven't been able to stop reading about and watching the stories about Hurricane Katrina and the affect it has had....the affect it will continue to have. I just read about and listened to a man named Harvey Jackson. The water split his house in two. In the middle of the split was his wife. He was holding onto her hand to keep her from going into the water, but he couldn't hold on anymore and neither could she. She told him to take care of the kids and grandkids and then the waters carried her away. He hasn't found her yet.

I can't imagine being in a situation like that. It feels strange that I'm just going to school while people are still sitting on their roofs hoping someone will come along to save them. I guess it feels that way because we haven't talked about it much. I think only in one class, and that was yesterday. I don't know what it's like not to have water with water all around. I feel trapped for them so I know I can't fathom what they're really feeling.

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I hate to admit it

Today I contemplated a wheely-pack. I know, but do not be alarmed just yet. It was a temporary weakness. One that I quickly overcame as soon as I put my bagS down...yes, bags...and the 6 text books that one of them contained, really only 4, I carried the other two in my arms. It was heavy and I wanted to crumple. As the elevator carried me to the fourth floor of the library, the load became so much from the down-draft force that I leaned over. The only thing I could think of was a handle upright at my side and the convenience of wheels underneath the weight. I trudged my way to my favorite cubicle in the corner, between two windows, and finally put everything down. The notion subsided and I am again in my adamant position on the side of packs that go on your back.

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Wedding dresses and slouching

I was just looking at a picture of Jake and I on our wedding day, mostly noting my dress...the one I cried a little in as soon as I got out to the big mirrors and knew it was just right. When we drove from the church to the temple, where the particular picture I was looking at was taken, my dress was piled in so high that I couldn't see the dashboard underneath it. I would really like to have my dress weighed. It was a two piece...about halfway through the ceremony I wanted to just sit down because my skirt was so heavy it felt like I was breaking in half at my waist. It's so fun to be there in my memory and living the life that day led to now in reality. That day I wore a dress that was a size 2 but cost about $300 dollars extra in alterations to be made a lot smaller. I won't mention the exact size of the jeans I tried on today but was relieved that they were still a bit too big, though the size just lower were quite snug. I was proud of my self control after dinner when I passed up the ice cream.

I have terrible posture. It's something I've been trying to deny for a very long time...whenever people start becoming concerned with how someone else is standing. I know why. My torso is very long, and while people have constantly been telling me to stand up straight, they were also, until quite recently, telling me to pull my shirt down. They couldn't have it both ways, so slouching it was (if I stood up straight with my shoulders back, my shirt went up a few inches). I have tall girl syndrome at the soaring height of 5'3 1/4." I'm really working on it. If anyone knows where to find long shirts that aren't button up, I'd really appreciate it, so would my back. I'm glad that really long shirts/camis with sweaters and shrugs are trendy now...maybe I can keep 'em in for the next few decades or so. It would be very nice.

Oh yeah, and Jake and I got our books for this semester, which I'm really excited about it starting. I have 12 books so far for my classes, but I still need to get one. Yipee! I feel like I need a locker in college. That might be the role played our car, Lucy, strategically placed in a "legal" parking situation along my way...which will be hard because all of my classes ended up being in one building...maybe I can make a cove in a corner or something.

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Nauvoo

Jake and I just got back from a four day excursion all around Missouri and Illinois and a little bit f Iowa. It was a church history trip and I'll have to say, it was amazing!

Nauvoo is on the banks of the Mississippi river in Illinois. It was established by the early Latter-day Saints and at the time rivaled Chicago as Illinois's biggest city. People around those parts didn't like the "Mormons" much and mobs and violence eventually forced the decision to move west (how so many came to be in Salt Lake City) to have a place where they could peacefully practice their religion. They left about a year and a half after the Prophet, Joseph Smith, was killed by a mob in Carthage jail (about 20 miles SE of Nauvoo). It was also just after they had completed their temple there. They all worked together so much as well as sacrificed so many of their worldly possessions to build the temple. The temple was destroyed not long after they left. Just a few years ago the church rebuilt the temple on the exact site and just exactly how it was, despite a few modern conveniences. It was beautiful. I was so touched by the feeling of being there. Some of the houses still stand and have been restored and made available for touring. It was so wonderful to walk where the early members of my church have walked, to be inside the homes they built. I can't imagine what that must have been like. There is a grove of trees at the bottom of the hill that the temple sits atop. They used to have meetings in the grove when the weather was permitted. There was a certain reverence that was so peaceful. I was so glad that we were able to go.

School will be starting back in just over a week. I'm glad for it. I love school, I just always get a little sad when any sort of break is over because I love being around Jake. It's hard to get out of the habit of being together all the time.

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Movies

I watched the Majestic for the first time last night. I loved it. I really wanted him to be Luke for a long time (sorry to anyone who was me as of yesterday). I thought Adele was charming. I felt bad for her when she knew shed been duped because she let her heart go again. Right after that I watched Life As a House, which I'd seen already. I really enjoy it. We got both movies on our second trip to Blockbuster...Woo. My favorite part is when Sam is in George's hospital room, after taking a swim in the ocean, and he wheels his bed over to the window to face his house that's all decorated in Christmas lights. I like how George's shoulders were probably wet with salt water.

Today I helped a woman put her shoes on. She was older and a little heavier. She couldn't quite reach her feet. Upon coming up, she let me know that she'd lost 30 pounds. I was really happy for her.

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Enrichment

So on the second Thursday of the month all of the ladies 18 and older get together at my church. I'm on the "Enrichment Board" so I help plan the evening. Tonight we had a book review of a few books that we could use for summer reading. One lady's was about learning the love languages of your mate. She threw out this question and asked five random ladies to answer..."I know my spouse loves me when..." Most f the answers were that of service, which happens to be love language number 3. Like when they clean something up or leave little love notes around the house. She said that she knew that probably none of us would touch on the 5th love language which just so happens to be physical touch. She's right, nobody did. I wonder why. I didn't say anything either, mostly because I couldn't think of one single thing that Jake does that makes me know he loves me. It's an all the time kind of thing. I definitely thought about the physical aspect of our relationship, I just thought if the older ladies weren't saying anything about it I sure wasn't going to. I still blush when I have to mark the sexually active box on the forms at the doctors office. I went into the doctor a little bit ago for a "girlie" exam, and I'd been to her before, anyway, she forgot that I was married and must have thought I got around quite a bit because here I was talking about all of this sexual activity...ha, hahaha, it feels so funny to be writing this because I don't think I've talked about it at all with anyone. All rosy cheeks aside, I love making love. Sigh, that's all I'm going to say about that.

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Fill it in

I'm a little bloated right now. My belly button is doing that thing where it goes up a little right around the "button" and then swoops down, so there is a very distinctive outline of it underneath my shirt. I blame it half on nature and half on the Oreo pie....and the Oreos and milk...I couldn't help myself. At least I went for a walk.

My summer school is on a downhill slide. I'm glad for it. Today I spent a good hours preparing for just 1 quiz, 6 HOURS! I have 5 quizzes for biology and 3 labs, oh, and 2 different assignments and the test that are due by Monday...I have one week...kind of. I also have a government test at the beginning of nest week. I'm sorry to put you through this, I'm just reaffirming my mental notes. I'm getting there.

I'm looking at the picture of my foot. It kind of looks like it's taken over granite, but it's not. Asphalt. Hmm. And yes, that sure is one of the two hottest legs in the junior class. At least its not bloated.

Jake's parents moved into the house that they've been building for the past several months now. It's lovely! We were lucky enough to get some of their furniture...a desk, a television cabinet (I think armoire sounds too bedroomish), and a chair that two people can sit in. We were going to have them store the desk that we had in their attic, but Jake's dad put it against a wall and said to go with him on it. I'm still going with him, but it goes against every law I know about furniture placement and edge of walls...I live in a STUDIO apartment! A studio apartment with two desks. All in all, I think it's charming.

I have a new favorite shirt at the moment, no shirt will ever top my "Lund Family Reunion Shirt" from '94, but this one is nice. It's green and white and I believe it says Boston Marathon on it...I got it at a garage sale. It was Jake's cousin's. It's comfy and I like the way it looks with my silky, black skirt...and the way it stretches across my tummy, accentuating my belly button...Yipee!

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Eleanore

I got my laptop/notebook today. Her name is Eleanore and she's beautiful.

Sidenote: Last night Jake and I were taking an evening stroll around campus when two black, teenage boys rode past on their bikes and called us the "n"-word. I was disappointed.

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Graduate School and Scrambled Eggs

Yesterday Jake and I had the first two tomatoes that Tom (our tomato plant) has produced. They were delicious. I can't wait for more to get ripe.

Summer school is going well. I'm taking Biology, Government, and Art Appreciation. They're all on-line. It takes up a whole lot of time. I really love Art Appreciation. Go figure.

I've been looking more and more at graduate schools, well, really just one, the University of Rochester. I am getting so excited! We're going to buy a house when we get there and start a family as soon as we get settled in. WHAT!?!?! That's right. I can't believe it either. Less than two years now. I'm going to get my doctorate in English there...Hopefully. If I get accepted into the program my tuition is covered and I get a stipend to teach the beginning composition classes. I'm really excited about the house. It will be so nice to have more than 495 sq. feet.

I found a laptop that I'm probably going to get when school starts. It's so hard for me to write with a pen and paper anymore. I'll be able to take all of my writing everywhere I go. I always feel bad for the ideas that I lose when I don't right them down right away. I always rethink the gist of what the original thought was, but the wording is never the same...and I tend to like the original wording best...whatever it was.

I'll be going to SPEC again this year. Last year was pretty terrible, but I know what to expect now. I'll take enough stuff to keep myself busy...Maybe I can get my laptop before then...If not I'll take the grammar book that I've been trying to read for a while now. School will be over by then...(We're off on July 23rd).

I recently heard something very troubling. It hurt the hope that I had for someone. I'm leaning on the side of that same hope prevailing.

I have a cousin whose husband passed away in a car accident right after Thanksgiving. They had been married for 3 1/2 months and were on their way home/back to school after the break. She is much better now, but one of the most unlikely things occurred not very long ago. Another cousin of mine got married in the middle of February, this year. Her husband got into a car accident on June 2nd. I found out in the airport on my way to Arizona. At first I heard it wrong and I thought that the messenger had said he "died" in an accident. It was simply "got." But the next sentence was that he had severed his spinal cord. The next day his x-rays looked like they were from two different people. His spinal cord was not severed, but a vertebrate broken. He, Seth, is premed at BYU and she, Kiersty, was recently accepted into the law school there. It might be a few more weeks before they know if he can walk again. I'm so thankful he's alive...but the odds of something so similar. 8 of us, my cousins and I, were all married within about a year and a half of one another (I was third). Two of the eight of us have had completely life-changing events. It makes me far more aware and thankful for all of the little things...like being asked what tie would go best, or getting a phone call because he's lost and having to talk him to where he needs to go...and how he always cooks his scrambled eggs at a temperature that's a little too high and they end up getting burned onto the end of the spatula and I go through a ritual of soaking and scraping...and everything.

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When I Come I Go

My little sister, Marissa, is graduating from Ray High School on June 3rd. It is a very tiny town called Kearney. It's the kind that if you blink you miss it, really. Kearney is only about an hour away from Apache Junction, though I'm sure many have never even heard of it. Jake and I are flying in on June 2nd and flying out on June 5th. It's not a really long time, but I'd love to see as many people as I can.

One thing I'm excited about: Jake has only been to terminal two and three. I can't wait for him to experience the moving sidewalks in terminal four. AND, just by the off chance my parents park rather than pick us up curbside, I can't wait for him to ride in the spiral garage. Whoopee!

I wonder if my parents are ever going to come to Oklahoma City while we're here...and even then, when we're not here anymore they won't have a reason to be here. Because seriously, I've been here for almost a year and a half. That's almost half of our time here. I know everyone has hard times and such, but Jake and I have flown to them twice and driven once in the midst of high gas prices, and I know how much of a fraction of what we make comparatively. Anyway, I was just wondering. No one has come to visit me here. Grammy came to Bartlesville which is like 3 hours away and it was during the week in the middle of school and the only day I could possibly go, there was some crazy rain happening. I know Oklahoma doesn't seem all that exciting/it's a little bit out of the way when there are only two people in my family (myself included) who live East of NM and North of TX. It's all (mostly) NV, UT, CA, AZ, and ID. It's a big loop and we're out of it. Oh well. I feel as though I'm complaining.

The End

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And I said Hey

On May 4th, I read two of my poems at a poetry reading that my poetry class did for its final. It was at a really neat book store called Full Circle. It has all of the neat, old-looking, wooden shelves with the ladders that are tilted up the shelves and on rollers. It was great. The poems that I read were "Defiance" and "Kites Caught in Hurricanes..." Just so you know.

I just got off the phone with Carol Ballard. I need ANOTHER official copy of my transcript for the school I'm going to Summer School at. I enjoy her.

Every time I read Sarah Keller’s blogs I feel this strange sense of familiar unfamiliarity. It's the same thing I felt when I went to Arizona for Christmas Break. It's like when you watch a rerun tv show that you used to watch all the time and you know that it will never be the same because it's over, new episodes aren't going to surprise you...you've left it and continue to love it for what it was, though sometimes you wish it was still expanding and growing somewhere. That Paul and Jamie's lives are still going with Mabel and Murray, even though I'm not tuned in once a week.
When I do read Sarah's blogs, I picture the actuality of Arizona, of Tempe, of ASU, of the places that I've been, and how they're not my home anymore. I'm completely fulfilled with just the memory of the places I've been, but the actuality that that ride is over, it's like when I used to clean my room and I'd vacuum last, having already sprinkled the cinnamon scented carpet freshener on. And when I was all done I'd lay on my bed and read a book that I found while the light filtered in and I was aware of growing older. That this moment would soon disappear, that the freshness and sunlight and Matilda would be a piece of my past in the very near future.

Home is where the heart is. I don't know where I'm going to end up but I don't really care all at the same time. Just as long as I have the things that I really need.

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Battered

My feet might as well be one whole blister because of some crazy flip-flops I've had for nearly a year now that hurt me every time I wear them. I've given up on them. I hate giving up on anything. I permanently took them off just after I arrived at my poetry class last night and we decided to have it outside because it was really nice. The class was only an hour and a half instead of its usual three because we had a speaker come, Elie Wiesel. He is a survivor of the holocaust as well as a Nobel peace prize winner (1986) for his work in human rights. He was amazing. I wish I could share his whole lecture...instead I'm going to tell you how I cut the back of my knee climbing over two rows of seats in the end, how I was wearing all white, and how I didn't even know I was bleeding or that I was hurt at all until I reached back and my hand came up with blood all over it. So, my feet sting and I keep having to pull my pants away from my knee wound.

Elie Wiesel was in the last concentration camp to be liberated. He talked about what he felt when he first saw the American uniform and what it made him feel and that those men (the first truly free men to step into their camp), as soon as it sunk in, they cried like babies at the sight of what had been done to 'those people.' The soldiers reaction gave the survivors hope, and Elie said that they tried to console them but didn't know how because of the language barrier. When he first came to America it was still the law to segregate races. He didn't understand that, and he said he was never ashamed of being a Jew, but when he saw that he was ashamed of being white. He spoke of the passing of the civil rights movement and then there was a moment where he said,

"I am touched by whatever America is..."
He went into the freedoms and liberties that we have and how he appreciates them, how he is thankful for it.

I really wanted to write this entry to discuss how I will soon be 20, lets see, in approximately twelve days. I feel funny about it, it's not the, I'm getting old thing, it's the, I've lived for approximately 1/4 of my life. Or maybe it's I'd feel awkward without teen attached to the end. It feels like I've been 19 for a really long time. I've come to be content with it.

I am touched to be a part of humanity.

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A Moment

I enjoy when Jake and I do lyrical dances around our house to various pieces of music. And we can stand on the furniture, or leap off even, without anyone telling us it's not good for it.

(Sometimes - I jump on our bed.)

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Screenplay

I am on the eighteenth page of my first screenplay. I need to turn in fifteen pages by tomorrow for my midterm in none other than, "Writing for Stage/Screen." We're really supposed to have two pages per week and its been that way since the beginning of the semester. Instead, I had seven pages total at the start of this day and now I have my over achieving number. I think that it will make a better novel than screenplay, at least in my writing. I'm really excited about that. I loved sitting down to write what I did today. I could have gone on, but it would have been too shocking for me. Anyway, I will finally have time to sit and write the novel next semester during "Advanced Writing." I'm really exited at the chance to do so. If I end up writing something. If I change my mind about the actual novel then I think it would be really great to write a series of "short-shorts."

Anyway, I'm writing this after reading Sarah's blog about finally getting to do something from her computer but being sad that so much was wiped out. I read that not long after I told Jake how much I love my little green disk that holds all of the stuff from my screen writing class as well as my poetry workshop. I've never used one until this semester.

At any rate, the first new CSI: Miami in a long time is about to start.

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I didn't write that Art, my Grammy's new husband passed away on Wednesday, the 16th. His funeral was on the 19th. It's a little bittersweet. An 83 year old man and an 80 year old woman trying to live life to the fullest at the very end. Their will and determination deserved a bit more. A lot more, what a lesson.

I went to the eye doctor on Friday, I very well could have been put into glasses full time, but we're trying to postpone that a bit. No matter what, the next time I go in, if my eyes have changed in the slightest, I'll join the ranks of "four-eyes" around the world. Eh, he said I had astigmatism and that my numbers were quite high for glaucoma. I'm going to have to figure out if that runs in my biological guy's family. If not, it's pretty likely I won't end up with that. YAY!

After Art died and I'd been thinking about he and Grammy and how they'd go drive out on his ranch for hours and have picnics and were getting ready to take the 4-wheelers out in Spring, I just want to make sure I'm making the most of this, of life, as it goes by so quickly, even if you get a second wind for it much later on. I tried on my swimsuit tonight, a lot to my dismay. I've gained 20 pounds since graduation. I don't have any current pictures with me, but you can really see it. I want to be so healthy because it's something I can actually control. I ran in-front of the full-length mirror we have and watched everything that I need to work on jiggle around. And please, it's not about how big or little you are, it's about how healthy you are, and I know I'm not in very good shape right now. I am completely out of breath when I get to my classes, and that's pretty silly. Anyway, I'm going to lose 10 pounds and then work to make sure I'm in great shape with what I have left. I really want to do it this time. Not just say it and go running a few times and then be done until my next dissatisfaction. I am going to lead a more healthy lifestyle.

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All of my day wrapped up in my poetry workshop

I was sitting in class talking to my friend, Erin, and said I thought that Andrew and Avery, also in the class would make an interesting couple. I'd been thinking about ot for a while but never brought it to light. We happened to be critiquing one of Avery's poems later on in that nearly three-hour class and there was this mysterious "she" who was never really given a name or identity beyond that. It turned out to be her girlfriend. I felt a little put out that not only was I assessing a possible accurate couple, but had gone for the wrong gender entirely and hadn't a clue. On my pretend match-making skill rant, there is a guy here, his name is John Jacob Lee, and he reminds me so much of Sam. I believe he is a senior. I think they would be great friends, if nothing more (He's a music theatre major).
Oh, and the afore mentioned Andrew is one who I've been meaning to talk about for a while -- His physical appearance is somewhere between Nathaniel and Brett Houser, the way he acts and the things he says is somewhere between Nathaniel and Michael Moore. He's a very interesting fellow. I believe he's double majoring in English and Philosophy.

I had more to say today, but don't know if I feel like saying it, but I will...I don't have anything better to do.

I found out yesterday that another one of my friends is pregnant. She is really great. I'm always so proud of her. Sometimes I feel like she's a little duckling under my wing. She didn't come from the greatest, she's making her way through school, double majoring (Criminal Justice/Psychology) and working two jobs. She's also on the stomp team. Anyway. She's 18 and lives with her boyfriend, so it's not like she's totally alone. I just remember talking to Jake one day about how cool it was that she was doing all that she was and said something like, if she got pregnant it could be a catastrophe to all that she's working so hard for. Like this was about two weeks that I said that. Anyway. I don't know that I think it's a catastrophe because it's reality now, and also because I think all babies come when they're supposed to, but I just hope that she'll attain all of her dreams, she deserves it so much. She'll be one who I send a card to on Jamie's April 7th card day. Also, I think I'm so glad it's not me. The more I hear about giving birth the more I get F-reaked out about it. There's a lady who goes to my church who after giving birth to her four pound, some-odd ounce baby, had a four inch long internal tear. I can't even imagine. My greatest dream/aspiration is to be a mom, but right now, I just can't even fathom it.

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When I let myself think about it

Sometimes I miss Tabby so much it hurts. I cry and get a little angry and forget what I've already worked to understand. I don't feel like she got to prove everything, not that she wanted to or needed to prove anything, but who she was, and who I knew she was and who she let me know she was. I feel like it's all so different from what most might have known. I think more and more that she was just coming into herself. I miss what we used to talk about and how we both needed someone sometimes, and we were each other's answer. I feel so guilty about not spending more time with Kaleb. She wrote me a letter once telling me that she wanted me to be a part of her baby's life. I didn't know how. I didn't know how to be part of his life without getting too attached. I got so mad at Josh one night when I went over to his house because on Sundays we went to see Kaleb and I got there and he was smoking pot with a circle of people and I was just so pissed off. He said we weren't going that night and I ran to catch my mom because she had dropped me off. She had already left, but I just kept walking. I was too proud to go back to their circle and ask to use a phone, especially since I'd have to wait there for her to return. I didn't want to have to be around him to be around Kaleb. I feel like I gave up too soon. I just hope that he's doing great and that he'll be able to get to know his mom the way I did/do. I just really miss my sweet friend.

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Pot Roast

So, my very first pot roast is in the crock pot as we speak. I felt really guilty leaving it all alone. It smells way good. I hope is tastes even better.

It's my mom's birthday today. I sent her a card on Friday. I hope I timed it just right. She's 42. I think that's a cool age. I don't know why. I hope it's amazingly happy for her.

In not so long I'm going to be off to "Writing for Stage/Screen." I think it's a neat class, but I don't enjoy the way we're doing it. I haven't had time to develop a plot or characters and every week we need two more pages of script. The two pages isn't hard to do, but I would be much happier if I was more interested in what I was writing. I hope that makes sense.

I'm hungry. Mmmm, Pot Roast. I put carrots and potatoes in too. I forgot onions...the veggies are my favorite part. There's a Mary Kay thing going on tonight. Tracey (my mother-in-law) wants me to come. I wouldn't mind coming, especially on the weekend, but I just don't really want to tonight. I want pot roast.

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Molten Chocolate Cake

Tonight I made a new cake.

In the beginning I dropped the bowl I had the egg yolks in into the mix of butter and chocolate. There was some glass on glass action so it made quite a noise. Jake looked up from the couch and I told him we could just pretend like I was a domestic diva. No harm to the recipe at that point, and really that was the only hitch.

They turned out great. Little individual chocolate cakes with a chocolate center that oozes out when you cut the first bite with your fork. I was proud.

I wish I could make them for everyone. That's it, come to Oklahoma...where the wind comes sweepin' down the plains.
Where the wavin' wheat
can sure smell sweet when the wind come right behind the rain.
OKLAHOMA
Every night my honey, Lem and I
Sit alone and talk
and watch the hawk
makin' lazy circles in the sky
Oh we know we belong to the land (yes sir)
and the land we belong to is grand
and when we say HEY
A yipee-o-i-ay (Yow)
You know we're sayin'
You're doin' fine Oklahoma
Oklahoma
O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A
OKLAHOMA
YEAH...

I'm also proud that I know the song. I sang it to a lot of people in Arizona. I'm sorry you missed it.

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Hot Diggity

My favorite water is Sam's Choice. I like that the 20-pack is like $3.89 and that it's $5.00 for two 10-packs.

My favorite flower shoes smell like they've just been fertilized.

My nails are doing this flaking thing that they've never done before. Only my index fingers.

Why are they called index and pointer fingers?

I like that I still have daisy smiley faces.

I believe in the goodness of humanity after my pink pouch was returned with every single form of identification I have intact...especially since it was found in a different parking lot than where I lost it.

I like how Dan Hosey just said Anywho about having to get pepper sprayed.

My personal lip preference is red, though I usually wear light pink gloss.

Light is something I'm fond of.

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A quote I came across

"When it comes to leaders we have, if anything, a super abundance -- hundreds of Pied Pipers ... -- ready and anxious to lead the population. They are scurrying around, collecting consensus, gathering as wide an acceptance as possible. But what they are not doing, very notably, is standing still and saying, "This is what I believe. This I will do and that I will not do. This is my code of behavior and that is outside it. This is excellent and that is trash.' There is an abdication of moral leadership in the sense of a general unwillingness to state standards...
Of all of the ills that our poor ... society is heir to, the focal one, it seems to me, from which so much of our uneasiness and confusion derive, is the absence of standards. We are too unsure of ourselves to assert them, to stick by them, if necessary in the case of persons who occupy positions of authority, to impose them. We seem to be afflicted by a widespread and eroding reluctance to take any stand on any values, moral, behavioral, esthetic."

- Barbara W. Tuchman
Pulitzer Prize-winning historian

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