Something New About Somewhere Old - Northwest Classen High School

Tonight Cora and I ran to the grocery store for a few things. When we got back to the car, Cora turned on the Into the Woods soundtrack. It happened to start at the very beginning. And to get in good listening time, we took the long way home. 

After weaving through neighborhoods and going a few miles around, we ended up at Northwest Classen High School. I have done this before with my girls, but as I took Cora around to the east side of the building to show her where my first classroom was, she asked me if she was born before or after I worked there. I told her she was born while I was working there. And then it occurred to me that I had never shared a very important part of the story with her....

This is actually where I went into labor with you!

(The arrow is pointing to the location of my classroom. NWC is HUGE.)

It's true. So I drove her around so we could look through the doors into the hallway where I realized something wasn't quite right on the morning I went into labor. School started before my doctor's office was open, and I was teaching a first period class, so I taught for 20 minutes, then went to call my doctor at 8. The nurse told me to go to Labor and Delivery to get checked out. I was only 32 weeks along. I went back to class, finished teaching, and then went down to the office. I needed a ride to the hospital, and Jake was in Norman at OU. My car had been hit on MLK Day 2008 while parked in the street in front of our house and was at the repair shop. Jake had dropped me off at work on this day, of all days, that it would have been helpful to have my own transportation.

(The stairway is lit up. My classroom is the two long sets of windows on the second floor just to the right of the stairway in the photo.)

I was quietly explaining what was going on to someone, and before I knew it, a message had been put out on the walkie-talkie that I needed a ride to the hospital. Soon several people were around me, including our principal who walked up asking if we needed to call an ambulance. No amblulance required. :) One of the assistant principals gave me a ride to Saint Anthony, walked me in, and made sure I got settled. Her act of love and concern still means so much to me. When I was hooked up to the monitors and checked by a nurse, I was dilated to a two and having contractions every two minutes. It was an Aha Moment - A contraction! That's what that sensation has been! On the second check, my cervix started gushing blood; I thought that sensation was my water breaking. I was immediately taken in for an ultrasound to make sure my placenta was attached and where it should be. It was. The rest of my hospital stay and three weeks of labor is a story I will save for another time.

Northwest Classen is where I became a teacher, and it also held many people who I love dearly and who were around me as I stepped into motherhood. I was walking down the hall when Joe Quigley said, "I hear you're in the family way." I didn't know what that meant; I had never heard it before. So, that is also where he explained to me what it meant to be in the family way. And I was glad he asked because I never quite knew how to break the news to anyone.

(The entry is lit up. Joe Quigley's old classroom is on the first floor just the the left of the entry and is where I did my first round of student teaching before moving to Northeast Academy for student teaching round two.) 

It was also where I whispered to Mickey Winn that I had started spotting when I was 10 weeks along with Cora. She grabbed my arm, gave me a hug, and covered my class when I went to the doctor to have my bloodwork done. My first pregnancy had ended in miscarriage at 12 weeks. I was actually miscarrying during my first week of student teaching with Joe Quigley at Northwest during my senior year of college. I was terrified that I was going to lose my pregnancy with Cora as well. After I left my doctor, I sat in my car and wept, pleading with God to let me keep this one. She stayed.

Becky Feldman and Mickey, both English teachers, were the perfect women to have around. They had both experienced such joy in motherhood. They had both been involved with La Leche League and were so wonderfully supportive and helpful with my breastfeeding journey, which had a few hurdles with Cora being born prematurely at 35 weeks. They visited me during the previously mentioned hospital stay. They visited me at home when I had a newborn. They organized a baby shower at work after Cora was born because I had been in the hospital in preterm labor when mine was supposed to be. They were always there when I needed them.

(Our neighborhood is at the very top of this photo, just east of (above) where Shepherd Lake used to be.)

Cora's face lit up when I told her I went into labor with her at Northwest. I retired from teaching after my first year there. I ended up staying home with my children for 7.5 years before returning to work. We haven't been inside Northwest Classen since Cora was a baby. I would love take my girls in and show them around. In addition to holding a tender place in my heart, Northwest is also a Midcentury dreamboat. So many reasons to schedule a visit. So many reasons I will always be grateful for this place. It's highly unlikely that I'm the only woman who ever went into labor there in its nearly 70 years of existence, but it was fun to tell that little part of our collective story tonight to an almost 12 year old who had quite the fanbase at Northwest ready and waiting to welcome her into the world.

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Peanut the Elephant

I was browsing through Facebook this evening after making a menu and grocery list for the week. I came across a post from a local baby boutique, Green Bambino, asking what product you bought first after finding out you were pregnant. I couldn't remember a product, but I quickly remembered Peanut.

We found out we were pregnant for the first time the Saturday before Thanksgiving in 2006. I went into the health clinic at OCU on Monday to confirm because I didn't want to wait the extra weeks to get into an OB. I took another test at the clinic. Positive. I had blood work sent to the lab at Saint Anthony. It came back on Tuesday. Positive, and my hormone levels had me right in line with all of the dates. I was right around seven weeks. 

I went to Target to get a little gift to give to my brother-in-law to break the news over the holiday. Peanut was the first thing I picked out - a plush green elephant. It was perfect, so small and soft, and I imagined little hands would love to hold it. I left with that and a package of pacifiers, thinking a stuffed animal might not be obvious enough. 

We told everyone on Thanksgiving. It was so fun, and everyone was so excited. We spent Christmas in Arizona that year, and it was fun to be with my family while it was still new.  

I ended up starting the miscarrying process on New Year's Day. By then I had a few more baby goods, clothes, a blanket or two, an ornament for the tree. After I finished miscarrying (it took about a week and a half), I put those things away, but the thing that broke my heart a little was Peanut. It just wanted to be held and loved. 

[I just wanted to hold and love someone.]

About six months later, I got pregnant with Cora. I didn't buy anything. I kept the news mostly to myself and close family. I thought I was miscarrying her around 10 weeks; I fell apart. Making it to the 12 week mark didn't feel safe, but that's when I broke the news. I was excited, but guarded. We all know how that pregnancy turned out. Despite all of the wild complications at the end and the few in the beginning, she arrived safe and sound. She was here and she was mine. 

When Cora was about six months old, I walked into her room to check on her while she was napping. She was holding Peanut's trunk close to her face. I couldn't help but cry. It was her little hand I'd been waiting for. I could have never imagined that a stuffed animal could be the symbol of so much pain and later so much joy for me. That silly, sweet little elephant.  

I can hardly believe this baby will be 10 in less than two weeks.

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Mammy and Family and Ornaments

Jake's Mammy used to work at a Hallmark store, and every year she gave her grandchildren a new ornament for Christmas. She passed away two years ago, right before Christmas.

Admittedly, when I was 19, and Jake and I were decorating our first Christmas tree together, and I was pulling out the Bat Mobile and Shaquille O'Neal ornaments, my dreams of a gorgeous, ribbon-wrapped tree trimmed to the nines were dashed. I tolerated the ornaments that so perfectly represented a boy's childhood and threw every sort of color on a tree that I'd envisioned as having silver, gold, and red. And green, but only because of the tree.

Our collection grew. She and Meemaw (Jake's other grandma) and Jake's mom added for big life events, and all of a sudden they weren't just his, they were ours. Ornaments commemorating our wedding, our children, our lives.

And now I'm just sitting here in a puddly crying mess looking at our tree and not being able to imagine any other trimming meaning as much.

I'm looking at the ornament we got in 2006. Two days before Thanksgiving, we received the results of a blood test confirming we were six weeks and some change along with our first baby. We told Mammy the day before Thanksgiving at Pizza Hut in Holdenville; she'd taken all of her grandkids who were available out to lunch. We passed a napkin down to her with a little message breaking the news. She was so excited. She showed up the next morning with the napkin pinned to her lapel - proud as proud can be.

I ended up starting the miscarrying process on New Years Day when we were twelve weeks along. The ornament for 2006 is a hen sitting on an egg while knitting and a rooster reading a book on parenting. Her excitement, and the ornament tradition she started in her family that allowed us to keep a sweet reminder of a sweet time, that didn't quite turn out as planned, are so special to me.

This year, we decided to keep the tradition going with our girls. We took them to a Hallmark store and let them pick whatever ornament they wanted. We hung them up this morning before Jake took them to see The Nutcracker.

Someday when they're putting up their own trees, I want their significant other to open up a Frozen ornament that sings "Do You Want to Build a Snowman" and not quite know what to do with it. Or the teddy bear drinking hot cocoa that Cora picked. And then over the years, as the future S.O. is included in the tradition, I hope they find themselves all choked up looking through years of ornaments that were thoughtfully chosen and excitedly received. With the addition of popsicle stick reindeer and toilet paper roll Christmas tree ornaments, our tree is full of loving gestures and fond memories.

I couldn't love it more.

Jake picked out a family ornament this year. Yes, Batman, Shaq, AND Clark Griswold are on our tree.

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On My Mind

Five years ago, on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving, I found out I was pregnant for the first time. I was overflowing with joy. I told everyone I saw. I even told random strangers because I couldn't help myself. We'd been trying for a little while, and the negative results in the previous months has been devastating.

The timing was perfect. Tell all of the family on Thanksgiving. It was what we were grateful for. In early December, morning sickness sank in and stayed with me for weeks. We were able to go to Arizona for Christmas, and it was wonderful to share our joy with my family in person.

On New Year's Day, everything started to come a part. I wrote about it back then, so I won't relay the entire experience again, but I've been thinking about it a lot. I'm sure part of it is the time of year. In the midst of these thoughts, I found that two sweet couples in our families have miscarried. For one couple, it's still very new, they're still waiting on the results of the last blood test. That was the worst part. Not having a definitive answer for several days. Two ultrasounds, two rounds of blood tests, dopplers, hours and hours in hospitals and doctors offices.

I'll always be glad my doctor said he wanted to see what my body would do on its own before we scheduled a d&c. My body handled it perfectly, and it was a great part of my healing. I was able to see the form that would have been my baby, and because of that, I was able to disassociate what actually was from the idea that it was going to be my sweet warm pink cuddly baby.

The reality was a little walnut-sized fetus, curled up inside of its sac. Still in "seahorse" stage (around eight weeks if you have an embryonic chart handy), but about the size of what an eleven week fetus should be. I actually miscarried at 12 weeks. Something had gone wrong. I knew it. And seeing it for myself made it all less mysterious. Having a visual was also pretty traumatic at the time, but like I said, it was a big part of my healing.

A few days before it actually happened, I told a friend that we were more than likely miscarrying, and she told me the thing that brought me the most peace, especially after being able to see this little thing I'd had such high hopes for. She told me God was just waiting for the right body for my baby. I felt less like I'd lost a child, and more like I just had to wait longer for Cora.

When I got pregnant with Cora, there was less fanfare. We were so cautious with who we told. I started spotting when I was ten weeks pregnant with her, and for as well as I thought I handled everything emotionally when I miscarried, I completely fell a part at the thought of losing her. I already knew she was a girl, I felt a connection to her. I knew she was alive inside of me.

Last night, I walked out of the bathroom after starting a bath, and I looked out to two beautiful sets of eyes staring right at me. It was so touching. We stayed there for several seconds. Their eyes locked with mine, and this Thanksgiving season, I can hardly comprehend the the ways I've been blessed.

I guess the growth that has come in the nearly five years since I miscarried has transformed its meaning for me, especially now that I'm a mother, and in the throes of motherhood with small children (one night this week I got 5 hours of sleep, another night 3.5 - and yes, all the while fighting a sinus infection). A while back a friend posted a quote from an advice blog of a mother of 11 children. It's talking about how every little thing we do as a mother is important.

"They all add up to beauty -- your little touches, moments of eye contact, stories read, cookies baked, laundry folded, legos picked up (again). Your presence means security. Your are the sun -- the center of their world. A lot of responsibility, I know -- but a warm place to be."

These two sweet girls are the babies I prayed for. The ones I toiled over, fought for. They're here, and they're mine, and they sit at my dining table every night.

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Personal Progress

Faith

VE1
When I keep a regular schedule of prayer, I feel more in tune with the spirit. I'm more aware of my surroundings, and I feel inspired by so many more things. Developing a closer relationship with God also comes through communicating with Him faithfully. I understand more of what He wants for my life as I am prompted in mostly little and sometimes big ways throughout my day.

VE 2

Discuss the qualities a woman needs to teach children to have faith and to base their decisions on gospel truths. (This prompt came after reading the roles of motherhood in "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" and about the mothers of Helaman's stripling warriors in Alma 56:45-48 and 57:21.)

Mom: "The qualities would be first that she would have to have faith herself. You can't teach or be an example of something you do not possess. I think these mothers of the stripling Warriors were great examples as it says they did not doubt their mothers knew. I like the word exactness in verse 21 of ch 57. That says to me that they knew what they were doing and did it with precision because of the things their mothers had done. I also like that they bring courage into the picture. In today's world I think parents and mostly mothers need courage to stand firm in their beliefs because children will be hit from many sources that will be trying to teach them that sin and immorality are okay and are to be embraced and considered the norm."

I've come to understand the importance of confidence. I know that I am a daughter of God, and that I have special talents and abilities that in combination with my spirit and mind cannot be duplicated. Yet there are times when I am timid, not so much in making righteous decisions, but in making any decision. I always know what I want, but am rarely willing to be the first to speak up about it. I want to be able to solidify that link between knowing who I am and what my purpose is with my daily actions. The mother's of the stripling warriors were exact in their teachings, not only through their words, but through their example in ALL things.

VE 3
Tithing is something I can do perfectly. I know that both physical and spiritual blessings come from paying 1/10 of my earnings. A little experience I had was when I was in college. Jake and I were really REALLY poor, like EXTRA poor one month. I thought that maybe I was supposed to be getting a refund for the excess of my student loans, so I went to the cashier's office to ask about it. After a few minutes, the woman helping me asked if I'd claimed my bank card with the funds on it, and I told her no because I'd signed up for direct deposit. She let me know that I hadn't done so with that particular office, and that I had an account with money waiting for me. I was really excited - even more so when I found out it was over $4,000! I know this was one of the many blessings of paying a tithing. I have faith to turn over what God has allowed me to have in the first place.

Divine Nature

VE 1

- Dilligence, faith, virtue, knowledge, temperance, patience, godliness, brotherly kindness, charity

- humble, submissive, gentle, easy to be entreated; full of patience and long-suffering; being temperate in all things; being diligent in keeping the commandments of God at all times; asking for whatsoever things ye stand in need, both spiritual and temporal; always returning thanks unto God for whatsoever things ye do receive. And see that ye have a faith, hope, and charity, and then ye will always abound in good works

- Charity, virtue, confidence

- Mother, nurturer

Just as the YW values build on one another, so do the attributes discussed in what I read. I feel that one of the most important parts, a beginning, is humility. Through humility, all other attributes can increase. Only in humility can our faith strengthen and grow. Only in faith do we realize our need to rely on God in all things. This reliance gives us hope, this hope induces action.

I can gain/strengthen these attributes in me by being aware of them, by knowing what they mean, and how they can help improve me and my experience. I can put each attribute to use after I learn of them. Experience is the best teacher.

VE 2

What are important attributes for being a mother?

Mom: "Courage, exactness, live what you teach, realize you sometimes have to be the parent not the good buddy."

One of the talks I read was "A Mother Heart" by Julie B. Beck. It is full of gems, but one thing I especially like is "she is 'not weary in well-doing'.” One hang up I really had as a mother was patience when Cora was getting sleepy. She didn't want to be put down, but she didn't really want to be with me, and it could take her HOURS to fall asleep. I could feel myself getting anxious, and frustration would bubble up inside me. I felt horrible for the way I felt, so one fast Sunday I decided to fast for more patience. I was amazed at how different I felt.

A mother needs patience, love, confidence/courage, intelligence, understanding. I always thought I was really patient, but motherhood has humbled me in the sense that there are still areas of my life I've yet to explore and refine.

VE3
I tried to show love through staying on top of our home. I often let things go a little too far before taking care of them, mostly just the laundry, but that is just about the bane of my existence. I unloaded the dishwasher each morning so the dishes would never have a chance to pile up. It was nice how staying on top of just one thing freed me up to take care of more and more. It was a snowball effect. I even mopped the floor twice in a row one day to make sure it was extra clean. Being in a clean, clutter free environment is really important to Jake and me. It helps us enjoy one another more, rather than worrying about what's going on around us. This is really important to Jake, especially with him being so busy with school and work. I want to make his life as stress free as possible.

Individual Worth

VE 1

Heavenly Father loves and is mindful of me.

Jeremiah 1:5 Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations.

Jeremiah 1:5 really stuck out the me. After miscarrying, I really wondered when the spirit enters the body. This doesn't give an exact answer, but if a sactififation for life's purpose comes somewhere inbetween being formed in the belly and coming forth out of the womb, then it really makes me feel like I didn't lose a child, only waited longer for Cora. Not only does what this scripture literally says let me know that Heavenly Father loves me, but the fact that it exists at all confirms that he knows me.

VE3
I spent three weeks noticing things my mom did while she was with me after I had Cora. She always made sure we had good, balanced meals to eat. I saw something important in those three weeks that I will treasure forever. My mom takes care of the little things, she looks out for them. One day I was nursing Cora when dinner was brought over. Everyone at our house started eating right away, my mom was in her room resting, but noticed it also when I went to get her to eat when I was finished feeding Cora. When the same situation could have occurred the next time, my mom said, I'm going to wait for BrieAnn to finish with Cora. That little act meant a lot to me. I was able to feel like I was a part of the meal and conversation, and that me being part of that was worth waiting for.

Knowledge

VE 1

Knowledge and understanding are different.

Line upon line. We must gain wisdom to continue to increase in wisdom.

Knowlegde can give us an advantage

"It's impossible for a man to be saved in ignorance."

We will carry whatever portion of intelligence we attain in this life with us to the next. One of my favorite scriptures is "It is impossible for a man to be saved in ignorance." We need to know what we know and believe.

VE2
Talents:

Loving people
Empathy
Cooking
Seeing the big picture
Writing
Taking care of Cora
Sticking to a budget
singing

Talents I'd like to develop:

Guitar
Singing
Painting
time management

Planning ahead is something I've been able to develop as I've been married and had a family of my own. I'm able to budget for our finances as well as plan out menus to help our home run more efficiently. It brings a sense of peace to not have to worry about things that have the potential to be very time consuming.

Choice & Accountability

VE1
Developing a regular habit of scripture study and prayer helps me stay more in tune with the spirit to know what I should be doing throughout my day to help me be what God would have me be. (See Faith VE1)

VE2
I know that keeping our minds free of unbecoming language, violent images, and dishonest thoughts can help us tremendously. We have been counseled not to watch R-rated movies. I follow that counsel because I know that certain images and ideas can be permanently etched in my mind. Those thoughts, in many cases, can be overwhelming. They can lead to tainted actions.

VE3
We have been given the knowledge of good and evil. All that comes from God is good. Our obedience to Him will direct us towards the things he wants, desires, created for us, the good in the world. When we stray from choosing the right, we are turning away from the promptings of the Holy Ghost - one of the many things put in place to help us understand God's will for our lives.

We receive blessings through our obedience to God, and when we choose to turn away from what He would have us do, our consequence ends up being ourselves - the guilt we live with and must overcome.

Good Works

VE1
- My parents bought Jake and umbrella after his broke
- Jake drove to the airport with a friend
- Jake drove a few hours to give a blessing to a friend in need
- The ward helped the same family move twice
- My friend Ashleigh is always there to help anyone in a time of need
- Becky Gray helped Cora see Mark for eczema
- Ashley helping Rachel pick out outfits

There are too many acts of service I'm able to witness to list them all. People helping people is the most far reaching way God blesses our lives.

VE3
Mourn with those who mourn
Comfort those who stand in need of comfort
Stand as a witness of God at all times, in all things, and in all places

Write letters/words of encouragement
Testify of Christ's atonement and resurrection
Pray for them

Praying for an individual is something that has helped me have a deeper understanding and appreciation for that person. I love them more when I pray for them. In this I am better able to understand and comfort them.

Integrity

VE1
The difference between God's standards and the world's standards have never been more apparent than they are at this time. The anything goes attitude crushes personal standards and integrity. I commit myself to living a higher law. It may not be the cool thing to do with everyone I meet, but it's the cool thing in terms of happiness. I will dress modestly, use intelligent language, participate in wholesome activities, be a responsible steward of the earth, serve those around me, be honest in all things, attend the temple regularly, strive to strengthen and continually develop my testimony of Christ's gospel, and be an example of peace and simple living.

VE2
I've always had this weird thing about telling little white lies to smooth over a situation. I'd never thought twice about it, until I was concocting one for someone else to use, and she said, "that would be lying." I've always said I'm a horrible liar, and I am. I'm no good at telling big untruths, but I never thought about the little ones I'd say. I suppose I used to justify these little lies as ways to keep peace, but a lie is a lie. I've been working on finding a way to smooth over a situation with truth. It's much more respectful to all parties involved. A little lie cuts the person being lied to short because it's like I don't think they're capable enough to handle the reality of the situation. The reality in my situation is usually forgetfulness. I hope that I will never be inclined to do this again.

VE3
Integrity is not departing from the things you believe in - even when your freedom/life is at stake. There are several examples of people with integrity in the scriptures. They stood up for what was right even though they were in a position to be killed for doing so. Now, rather than being killed, the worry is that we might appear unpopular or naive for sticking to our standards. I will never forget the time I was at Girl's Camp and I, along with several other girls, were getting ready for bed in the bathroom. They were cussing up a storm. I wasn't part of the stake any more, I'd moved, but went with my old ward. I knew a lot of the girls (they weren't from my ward), and I didn't think I'd say anything, but when I finished brushing my teeth, I finally found my courage. I said something like the ground we were on was dedicated to the Lord, and that we were disrespecting that and opening ourselves up for unkind spirits to enter in among us. When I was done with my little schpiel, there was silence, and a lot of eyes staring at me. I just walked out without another word, feeling so proud and dumb all at the same time. Right after I got out the door, a girl I'd gone to school with came out and caught my arm. I don't remember everything she said, but she did say what I did was cool, and she apologized on behalf of the girls cussing, as well as said they shouldn't be doing that. It made me feel so good that her integrity validated my own.

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Miscarrying

Okay, there's no smooth or soft, nice way to say this, so if you read the subject you understand what this is going to be about - It's a little graphic, like PG graphic. You know what's happening, but aren't given great detail.

I started miscarrying on Monday. Quick clarification: I always assumed that when people miscarried, it was this sort of swift, almost instantaneous process that made them not pregnant anymore. It's not that at all. It is quite an amazing process that in some cases can take around three weeks if your body is allowed to do it naturally. So, I haven't "miscarried" just yet, rather I am still in the process of miscarrying. We had a feeling that something might be wrong because my little pregnant belly went away somewhere over the course of being in Arizona. I also lost a few pounds. That's part of the reason why I hadn't posted any new pictures - there was nothing new to see.

Here's what happened:

Monday: I was at a movie theatre to see "The Pursuit of Happyness." I did my ritual, pregnant "go to the bathroom before anything starts." I noticed that I had started spotting. I control a random freak out because I had prepared myself for this certain situation by reading lots of things. The discharge was brownish pink. That color combination equals no worries. I still went into the theatre and pulled Jake out to tell him what was going on. I sent him back in because we were there with his parents and brother. I went back out and called my mom because that's what a girl automatically does, simply for reassurance from a woman who has done the whole pregnancy thing. She was, however, my mom, and while giving me sound advice, it was on the incredibly worried side. I called my Grammy in the restroom because she has been pregnant nine times. I thought somewhere in there she would have spotted. She had and it was like mine and my Uncle Kim happened. She did have a miscarriage to, so I found out what that was like so I would know. I went back into the theatre right as the movie started and would highly recommend it to anyone who hasn't seen it.

Tuesday: I'm still spotting, but it's okay, until that afternoon. I saw some bright red blood mixed in. That's a go figure out what's happening sign. We went to the ER and spent about four-and-a-half hours there. They couldn't tell us anything. It made me feel sick, mad, and frustrated. I was in a hospital and they couldn't tell us one way or another!

Wednesday: I laid low and slept and ate and we celebrated our third wedding anniversary.

Thursday: I went to my OBGYN appointment. My doctor had another ultrasound performed and we finally had an answer: They couldn't hear a heartbeat. I had started cramping later Wednesday night and they were growing increasingly more intense. My doctor said that we could do a D&C or see how my body would do naturally to save me a surgery. I decided to go naturally.

Friday: I went to a meeting for student teaching (which I start on Monday) in the morning. I walked around the mall for a bit, Jake and I went home and then out to get ice cream and see "Freedom Writers." When the previews came out I couldn't wait to see it because what that teacher does is my dream to do. Yay for new teachers and what they can do if they are brave enough to not listen to the stereotypes of "seasoned" teachers. The cramps had still been increasing. They were like mild labor pains - coming and going - only with more frequency and intensity. When the movie got out I didn't know if I could make it to the car. I had never felt anything like what I was feeling. It was constant pain with really big pain that would come and subside and then come again until it was pretty much all the same. We got home and I was doing lots of mind over matter things until I couldn't stand it anymore. I went into the bathroom, stayed there for about an hour and I think the worst of this miscarrying process is over. I passed what I'm pretty sure was the embryonic sac and fetus. It was about the size of a walnut. Let me just say now...if ever any of you have a miscarriage and are as far along as I was, do the D&C. The pain of doing it the natural way is tolerable, but seeing AND feeling everything that comes out is a little bit traumatizing - A LOT traumatizing. Aside from the visual images, I had this really amazing sense of pride. My body was doing what it was supposed to. I was making it through the pain. I was moving passed this.

Jake and I are really doing quite well emotionally. I had my big crying breakdown on Thursday when I thought of "Quackers." It was so sentimental that Quackers would never be anything more than just that...an idea, a future Ben or Cora. The doctor said we will be able to try again after my next normal cycle - which should occur four to six weeks after the miscarriage is complete. We don't want anyone to feel bad around us. We're really okay. It's okay if you don't know what to say. I wouldn't know what to say. My doctor said it best when he said, "There's nothing you could have done. It's just one of those really crappy things that happen."

We're so thankful for all of the support that everybody gave to us and continually gives. We are still looking forward to starting our family. It just won't be as big of a surprise next time ;).

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