I'm at Jake's old church's church camp right now. The one where I was possibly going to do something with ceramics. I got here and had no idea i was going to be doing anything with it until I was wandering through the new art building and saw my name on a paper on the door. I went there the next day, like I was supposed to, and there are three other guys teaching what's supposed to be an intro. to ceramics class. I was excited to not be solo at it...then I found out their credentials. One is a ceramics engineer (I didn't know it existed either). One has a masters in ceramics, and the other a 7 year student, who is majoring (one out of his three majors) in ceramics. I felt really awesome that I'd taken one semester in high school (though I did come away with a really awesome cabbage pot and outhouse). They were all told that I was a professional potter. I only wish I was that cool. Anway, I'm not really helping out with that class because most kids want to use the wheel, and I am a newby at that one, so thought i'd be more in the way than anything else. So I've been hanging out with Jake a ton, following the music that he plays and hoping that Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat really can come together in a week. Jake is going to teach me how to play piano when we get home...that way if we ever come back here I can play the 2nd piano part in whatever show they do. I just don't think Jake ever really wants to come back.

I think it would be fun to be the organist at church, AWESOME...with the big pipe organ and a congregation swelling behind me.

I want to judge people less. I don't think I'm really ever very mean, I sure hope I'm not anyway, but I don't want to think anything unkind about anyone...because I think that thinking it is nearly just as bad as ever saying something. I don't know how to overcome the automatic thoughts that pop into my head, but I've started saying three nice things about someone if I ever think something not nice about them.


I've always been really happy that my name has a capital A in it. These are the names that Jake and I are going to name our children. I was just thinking about it and like seeing them so I thought I'd write them out.

Jacob Benjamin (Ben)
Kora Adeline Grace
Atticus Zebidee
Lyliana Kate
Curin Oliver
Alyvia Isabella
Tyne Delight

What a coincidence if it really works out that way.
Everyone needs God, whether they know they do or not. You're a step ahead having already come to that realization. Just that little bit somehow seems like enough. "Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest (Joshua 1:9)." Nothing is irreversible. I think the step that defies logic is probably the most difficult for anyone to overcome. I know that every thing we need to make it through this lifelong journey is already inside of us.

"It's in every one of us I just remembered it's like I've been sleeping for years, I'm not awake as I can be but my seeing is better, I can see through the tears. I've been realizing that I bought this ticket and watching only half of the show. There is scenery and lights and a cast of thousands who all know what I know, and it's good that it's so...It's in every one of us, to be wise. Find your heart, Open up both you're eyes. We can all know every thing without ever knowing why....It's in every one of us by and by."

I started overcoming the part of me that I disliked more than anything in the world when I took to heart all of the scriptures like the one in Joshua. I read them a million times over (really anything that is inspiring) but until I decided that I'd "give" everything to Him (just told God all of the things I was dealing with) and trusted that I would be prompted as to what was right for me to do, that is when the real change came about. The most important part of that change was the way I felt about myself.

"Therefore, ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you; for he that asketh, receiveth; and unto him that knocketh, it shall be opened."

Mr. Bearly and Maddie

Not last night, but the night before, I was sad. I couldn't place my finger on why. Jake brought over "two friends who he knew would make me feel better." Mr. Bearly and Maddie. They live in a cute basket behind our couch. I haven't held them at all, only straightened them up a time or two since I've been in Oklahoma. As soon as they were in my arms and I rubbed Maddie's ear between my fingers (like I used to always do before I fell asleep). I started crying. I missed something. Like I said, I'm not sure what. I'm ready to sink my feet into the soil and start growing here. I know it will all be different when school starts and I have a better opportunity to meet people, but for now, it seems hard. I go through the motions of the day, but wonder if anyone outside of Jake even cares that I exist here. I don't like to think about it that way. It's just hard to move to a completely new place after you're married and be around a bunch of people (like everyone) who isn't and expect to make the really close connections I prefer having with people, rather than the kind that just involves small talk all the time.

Poor Mr. Ant

I'm at work right now. A guy I work with, Josh, flicked a bug out of his hair onto the counter. Then he killed it. Not with one painless blow, but he squished the back half and then watched it carry the immobile piece of himself around with just the front half. I was sad and couldn't look and didn't understand it. It is just an ant; I'm sure many more perish just like this every day. Sigh, it was just sad to see.

I'm really tired today. I went to bed around one. I woke up for a brief time around 2:30, fell back to sleep and then was awake again from 4-6:30. I don't know why. I just wake up thinking. That's how it has always been, but usually I just take a few hours to fall asleep rather than waking up to a steady stream of unusual thoughts. Eh, it's Friday. I can sleep all I want to in about 3 hours and 15 minutes. YAY!...That yay wasn't really felt, just typed to show the kind of emotion I wish I was capable of feeling right now.

Some things...

They just never change. Or at least you feel like you should have made some progress by now, but you haven't. And you've already come to the realization that life is way shorter than it should be so there isn't enough time, or as much as you'd like there to be for something amazing to happen, and while all of this is going on, you also realize that as you're getting older everyone else is as well and that means their time is just getting smaller too.

I did a search for my grandma whom I've never met today. I've done plenty before, but this one was different. Her address and phone number came up with it. She and her husband live on Corey Avenue in Melbourne Florida. She is just a few numbers and letters away either by phone or by mail, that's it, a whole lifetime of wondering, and that's all that stands between us. That and the fact that my biological father, Lance, told me that when he brought up the idea of her and I meeting, she quickly changed the subject (and he didn't want to bring it back up because in all actuality I'm pretty sure he's a "mama's boy"). It's hard because it would be most natural to resent her for that. She's the one who I supposedly look most like, I cannot lie, I've seen pictures, I'm the only blonde on any side of my family, except for her, and she's the only one who is even close to my size. I feel like I should be allowed some resentment because I should at least get the chance, but at the same time, she wasn't her son, it wasn't her negligence that made me...but I'm here...and maybe I just feel like that should mean something to anyone, but especially to her. Silly I suppose. I don't think you really need people who don't need you, though it's always the same as far as acceptance goes. I just always wonder why it matters so much.

Someday....I'll never stop believing that something amazing can happen just where you need it to.

dirt between my toes

On July Fourth, we were at Jake's grandparents. They have a farm with cows and horses and such. They also have a little garden, and it was time to dig up potatoes. The dirt was so soft and moist just below the very thin top layer. I went in with barefeet. I curled my toes into the soil and they sank down in a few inches. I pulled the potatoes out of the earth and it was such a neat feeling. I can wait to be the person in a big floppy hat and overalls out in the garden without any gloves (unless I have something pokey) pulling out the things that are alive because I made them that way.

Also on the fourth, Jake's cousin, Jason (and his wife, Leann) had a baby. They're a really cute little conservative couple, they named her Michelle Katherine. Of all of the days, and maybe it's for the fire works, I think that would be the greatest one to have a birthday on. Now I know two people with it. When I looked at this little baby who was less than 2 hours old, I couldn't help but get all sentimental and schmoozy on the inside. The nurses were taking blood and getting hand and foot prints. She wasn't so happy about that, but I think mostly, she was just unaware of what in the world was happening in this very new place. It was wonderful to see how Jason and Leann were with her. She was just as new to them and there was such a sense of pride and accomplishment along with this great sense of humility that goes along with the responsibility. All in all, I cannot wait to have children. I've always really wanted them, I feel like I almost know them now. There are lots of reasons why Jake and I are waiting. I really just want to have more time with just him and I before we have children, but still, when that time does come, I just don't know how I'll make it through the excitment and amazement and fear and everything at the idea of this little baby that will grow into a wonderful human being and all because Jake and I love one another more than I will ever have the ability to comprehend.

Yay for babies.

Burned by the Sun

Yesterday we were at Jake's parents house. We laid out in the pool for about three hours. I wanted to get a tan. Usually I don't concern myself with such things, if I get some sun, great! If I glow a little more from lack of light, I'm just as okay. I just miss the ultra super sun. That makes it sound like there's more than one. I somehow feel more healthy and rejuvinated after my skin gets a little golden kiss. I set aside the threat of skin cancer and the idea that someday they might have to cut out part of my nose (that happened to my uncle, but I don't think the skin cancer was from sun bathing). I bought my first bikini ever this summer, well, really in the Spring. It's red and light blue with flowers on it. I love it, but it exposed parts of my skin that have never seen the sun, and WOWZA to the red that they still are today. I feel like I'm talking about a bunch of nothing, here, I still am. My Grammy called today around 8:48, which would be 6:48 her (Arizona) time. She likes to wake up around 4:30. I don't know if she really likes it, that's just what she does. Anyway, she bought some Mary Kay from me. The Timewise skin care system. I was glad for it because it was my first sale. The whole reason why I decided to sell Mary Kay was just to prove that I could because I've never been good at selling anything. I don't believe in pressure or saying that anything is something that it's not. I hope that it will take off really soon. If only for the belief that you can do anything you put your mind to.

I want to see how dark I can naturally get this summer. I'm 1/16 Cherokee. My GG Grandma, on my biological father's side was full blood. I think that's really neat.

Lots of people, well, two people, went to Phoenix within the last week. They have no real connection to the place. They weren't born there. Their family didn't found Mesa, but they went there and saw the sites and soaked up the sun that I miss. I don't mean to be, but I seem to find myself a little jealous.

Maggie Moo's

Though I think it should have been Molly Moo's, just because Molly sounds more like a cow cute cow that says, "Moo." Jake and I went to this (Maggie Moo's) ice cream place tonight. It's a lot like Cold Stone Creamery. I had Better Batter with Oreos mixed in. The Better Batter tastes like the white cake mix. It was delicious.

I'm wearing "White Lace" nail polish. It's a limited color for summer that Mary Kay put out. It's chipping off because I've had it on for a while. I scratched my head and left a little white flake of it in the front. I like the idea of big white chunks of glossy dandruf in my hair. Not really, but what if it was that way?

I think about Freud's ideas a lot, sometimes.

I miss Sarah Keller. I'm sure our lives grow a little more in opposite directions every day, but I don't think we ever grow distant from one another. I miss more people than just her, though I never believe in naming names just for the sake of making someone feel at ease because even when you do name more names you leave someone out (and I always hope those other people know that I miss them anyway). I liked the night it was freezing outside and we went and sat in the back of Laura's truck and looked at the stars. I don't know if she remember, but it was just one of the small moments that I will treasure forever, not only between us, but because that's how I think life should be. Simple moments that make your mind and heart soar with wonder...that you're able to share with those closest to you. I enjoy the simple things most. I think our friendship was always simple, not the things in our lives, but us being able to be with one another, and always knowing (me always knowing) that she was my safest place.

I don't have to teach a ceramics class at SPEC, but I get to help out the art department, YES! I'll leave you with that. Jake is in bed, and I'm ready to be there too.

I can't wait for fire works...


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