I didn't write that Art, my Grammy's new husband passed away on Wednesday, the 16th. His funeral was on the 19th. It's a little bittersweet. An 83 year old man and an 80 year old woman trying to live life to the fullest at the very end. Their will and determination deserved a bit more. A lot more, what a lesson.

I went to the eye doctor on Friday, I very well could have been put into glasses full time, but we're trying to postpone that a bit. No matter what, the next time I go in, if my eyes have changed in the slightest, I'll join the ranks of "four-eyes" around the world. Eh, he said I had astigmatism and that my numbers were quite high for glaucoma. I'm going to have to figure out if that runs in my biological guy's family. If not, it's pretty likely I won't end up with that. YAY!

After Art died and I'd been thinking about he and Grammy and how they'd go drive out on his ranch for hours and have picnics and were getting ready to take the 4-wheelers out in Spring, I just want to make sure I'm making the most of this, of life, as it goes by so quickly, even if you get a second wind for it much later on. I tried on my swimsuit tonight, a lot to my dismay. I've gained 20 pounds since graduation. I don't have any current pictures with me, but you can really see it. I want to be so healthy because it's something I can actually control. I ran in-front of the full-length mirror we have and watched everything that I need to work on jiggle around. And please, it's not about how big or little you are, it's about how healthy you are, and I know I'm not in very good shape right now. I am completely out of breath when I get to my classes, and that's pretty silly. Anyway, I'm going to lose 10 pounds and then work to make sure I'm in great shape with what I have left. I really want to do it this time. Not just say it and go running a few times and then be done until my next dissatisfaction. I am going to lead a more healthy lifestyle.

All of my day wrapped up in my poetry workshop

I was sitting in class talking to my friend, Erin, and said I thought that Andrew and Avery, also in the class would make an interesting couple. I'd been thinking about ot for a while but never brought it to light. We happened to be critiquing one of Avery's poems later on in that nearly three-hour class and there was this mysterious "she" who was never really given a name or identity beyond that. It turned out to be her girlfriend. I felt a little put out that not only was I assessing a possible accurate couple, but had gone for the wrong gender entirely and hadn't a clue. On my pretend match-making skill rant, there is a guy here, his name is John Jacob Lee, and he reminds me so much of Sam. I believe he is a senior. I think they would be great friends, if nothing more (He's a music theatre major).
Oh, and the afore mentioned Andrew is one who I've been meaning to talk about for a while -- His physical appearance is somewhere between Nathaniel and Brett Houser, the way he acts and the things he says is somewhere between Nathaniel and Michael Moore. He's a very interesting fellow. I believe he's double majoring in English and Philosophy.

I had more to say today, but don't know if I feel like saying it, but I will...I don't have anything better to do.

I found out yesterday that another one of my friends is pregnant. She is really great. I'm always so proud of her. Sometimes I feel like she's a little duckling under my wing. She didn't come from the greatest, she's making her way through school, double majoring (Criminal Justice/Psychology) and working two jobs. She's also on the stomp team. Anyway. She's 18 and lives with her boyfriend, so it's not like she's totally alone. I just remember talking to Jake one day about how cool it was that she was doing all that she was and said something like, if she got pregnant it could be a catastrophe to all that she's working so hard for. Like this was about two weeks that I said that. Anyway. I don't know that I think it's a catastrophe because it's reality now, and also because I think all babies come when they're supposed to, but I just hope that she'll attain all of her dreams, she deserves it so much. She'll be one who I send a card to on Jamie's April 7th card day. Also, I think I'm so glad it's not me. The more I hear about giving birth the more I get F-reaked out about it. There's a lady who goes to my church who after giving birth to her four pound, some-odd ounce baby, had a four inch long internal tear. I can't even imagine. My greatest dream/aspiration is to be a mom, but right now, I just can't even fathom it.

When I let myself think about it

Sometimes I miss Tabby so much it hurts. I cry and get a little angry and forget what I've already worked to understand. I don't feel like she got to prove everything, not that she wanted to or needed to prove anything, but who she was, and who I knew she was and who she let me know she was. I feel like it's all so different from what most might have known. I think more and more that she was just coming into herself. I miss what we used to talk about and how we both needed someone sometimes, and we were each other's answer. I feel so guilty about not spending more time with Kaleb. She wrote me a letter once telling me that she wanted me to be a part of her baby's life. I didn't know how. I didn't know how to be part of his life without getting too attached. I got so mad at Josh one night when I went over to his house because on Sundays we went to see Kaleb and I got there and he was smoking pot with a circle of people and I was just so pissed off. He said we weren't going that night and I ran to catch my mom because she had dropped me off. She had already left, but I just kept walking. I was too proud to go back to their circle and ask to use a phone, especially since I'd have to wait there for her to return. I didn't want to have to be around him to be around Kaleb. I feel like I gave up too soon. I just hope that he's doing great and that he'll be able to get to know his mom the way I did/do. I just really miss my sweet friend.

Pot Roast

So, my very first pot roast is in the crock pot as we speak. I felt really guilty leaving it all alone. It smells way good. I hope is tastes even better.

It's my mom's birthday today. I sent her a card on Friday. I hope I timed it just right. She's 42. I think that's a cool age. I don't know why. I hope it's amazingly happy for her.

In not so long I'm going to be off to "Writing for Stage/Screen." I think it's a neat class, but I don't enjoy the way we're doing it. I haven't had time to develop a plot or characters and every week we need two more pages of script. The two pages isn't hard to do, but I would be much happier if I was more interested in what I was writing. I hope that makes sense.

I'm hungry. Mmmm, Pot Roast. I put carrots and potatoes in too. I forgot onions...the veggies are my favorite part. There's a Mary Kay thing going on tonight. Tracey (my mother-in-law) wants me to come. I wouldn't mind coming, especially on the weekend, but I just don't really want to tonight. I want pot roast.


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