When I let myself think about it

Sometimes I miss Tabby so much it hurts. I cry and get a little angry and forget what I've already worked to understand. I don't feel like she got to prove everything, not that she wanted to or needed to prove anything, but who she was, and who I knew she was and who she let me know she was. I feel like it's all so different from what most might have known. I think more and more that she was just coming into herself. I miss what we used to talk about and how we both needed someone sometimes, and we were each other's answer. I feel so guilty about not spending more time with Kaleb. She wrote me a letter once telling me that she wanted me to be a part of her baby's life. I didn't know how. I didn't know how to be part of his life without getting too attached. I got so mad at Josh one night when I went over to his house because on Sundays we went to see Kaleb and I got there and he was smoking pot with a circle of people and I was just so pissed off. He said we weren't going that night and I ran to catch my mom because she had dropped me off. She had already left, but I just kept walking. I was too proud to go back to their circle and ask to use a phone, especially since I'd have to wait there for her to return. I didn't want to have to be around him to be around Kaleb. I feel like I gave up too soon. I just hope that he's doing great and that he'll be able to get to know his mom the way I did/do. I just really miss my sweet friend.


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