Some things...

They just never change. Or at least you feel like you should have made some progress by now, but you haven't. And you've already come to the realization that life is way shorter than it should be so there isn't enough time, or as much as you'd like there to be for something amazing to happen, and while all of this is going on, you also realize that as you're getting older everyone else is as well and that means their time is just getting smaller too.

I did a search for my grandma whom I've never met today. I've done plenty before, but this one was different. Her address and phone number came up with it. She and her husband live on Corey Avenue in Melbourne Florida. She is just a few numbers and letters away either by phone or by mail, that's it, a whole lifetime of wondering, and that's all that stands between us. That and the fact that my biological father, Lance, told me that when he brought up the idea of her and I meeting, she quickly changed the subject (and he didn't want to bring it back up because in all actuality I'm pretty sure he's a "mama's boy"). It's hard because it would be most natural to resent her for that. She's the one who I supposedly look most like, I cannot lie, I've seen pictures, I'm the only blonde on any side of my family, except for her, and she's the only one who is even close to my size. I feel like I should be allowed some resentment because I should at least get the chance, but at the same time, she wasn't her son, it wasn't her negligence that made me...but I'm here...and maybe I just feel like that should mean something to anyone, but especially to her. Silly I suppose. I don't think you really need people who don't need you, though it's always the same as far as acceptance goes. I just always wonder why it matters so much.

Someday....I'll never stop believing that something amazing can happen just where you need it to.


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