Miscarrying

Okay, there's no smooth or soft, nice way to say this, so if you read the subject you understand what this is going to be about - It's a little graphic, like PG graphic. You know what's happening, but aren't given great detail.

I started miscarrying on Monday. Quick clarification: I always assumed that when people miscarried, it was this sort of swift, almost instantaneous process that made them not pregnant anymore. It's not that at all. It is quite an amazing process that in some cases can take around three weeks if your body is allowed to do it naturally. So, I haven't "miscarried" just yet, rather I am still in the process of miscarrying. We had a feeling that something might be wrong because my little pregnant belly went away somewhere over the course of being in Arizona. I also lost a few pounds. That's part of the reason why I hadn't posted any new pictures - there was nothing new to see.

Here's what happened:

Monday: I was at a movie theatre to see "The Pursuit of Happyness." I did my ritual, pregnant "go to the bathroom before anything starts." I noticed that I had started spotting. I control a random freak out because I had prepared myself for this certain situation by reading lots of things. The discharge was brownish pink. That color combination equals no worries. I still went into the theatre and pulled Jake out to tell him what was going on. I sent him back in because we were there with his parents and brother. I went back out and called my mom because that's what a girl automatically does, simply for reassurance from a woman who has done the whole pregnancy thing. She was, however, my mom, and while giving me sound advice, it was on the incredibly worried side. I called my Grammy in the restroom because she has been pregnant nine times. I thought somewhere in there she would have spotted. She had and it was like mine and my Uncle Kim happened. She did have a miscarriage to, so I found out what that was like so I would know. I went back into the theatre right as the movie started and would highly recommend it to anyone who hasn't seen it.

Tuesday: I'm still spotting, but it's okay, until that afternoon. I saw some bright red blood mixed in. That's a go figure out what's happening sign. We went to the ER and spent about four-and-a-half hours there. They couldn't tell us anything. It made me feel sick, mad, and frustrated. I was in a hospital and they couldn't tell us one way or another!

Wednesday: I laid low and slept and ate and we celebrated our third wedding anniversary.

Thursday: I went to my OBGYN appointment. My doctor had another ultrasound performed and we finally had an answer: They couldn't hear a heartbeat. I had started cramping later Wednesday night and they were growing increasingly more intense. My doctor said that we could do a D&C or see how my body would do naturally to save me a surgery. I decided to go naturally.

Friday: I went to a meeting for student teaching (which I start on Monday) in the morning. I walked around the mall for a bit, Jake and I went home and then out to get ice cream and see "Freedom Writers." When the previews came out I couldn't wait to see it because what that teacher does is my dream to do. Yay for new teachers and what they can do if they are brave enough to not listen to the stereotypes of "seasoned" teachers. The cramps had still been increasing. They were like mild labor pains - coming and going - only with more frequency and intensity. When the movie got out I didn't know if I could make it to the car. I had never felt anything like what I was feeling. It was constant pain with really big pain that would come and subside and then come again until it was pretty much all the same. We got home and I was doing lots of mind over matter things until I couldn't stand it anymore. I went into the bathroom, stayed there for about an hour and I think the worst of this miscarrying process is over. I passed what I'm pretty sure was the embryonic sac and fetus. It was about the size of a walnut. Let me just say now...if ever any of you have a miscarriage and are as far along as I was, do the D&C. The pain of doing it the natural way is tolerable, but seeing AND feeling everything that comes out is a little bit traumatizing - A LOT traumatizing. Aside from the visual images, I had this really amazing sense of pride. My body was doing what it was supposed to. I was making it through the pain. I was moving passed this.

Jake and I are really doing quite well emotionally. I had my big crying breakdown on Thursday when I thought of "Quackers." It was so sentimental that Quackers would never be anything more than just that...an idea, a future Ben or Cora. The doctor said we will be able to try again after my next normal cycle - which should occur four to six weeks after the miscarriage is complete. We don't want anyone to feel bad around us. We're really okay. It's okay if you don't know what to say. I wouldn't know what to say. My doctor said it best when he said, "There's nothing you could have done. It's just one of those really crappy things that happen."

We're so thankful for all of the support that everybody gave to us and continually gives. We are still looking forward to starting our family. It just won't be as big of a surprise next time ;).

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