Passion

Passion seems like such a bold subject line...

I went to a friend's vocal recital today. I don't know what it was, but the whole thing made me want to cry. I love this girl. I think she is so amazing and spirited and true to herself. She was so connected to what she was doing, to the words she was singing and it was so beautiful. I don't know if it's the time in my life or what, just the way certain things affect me. I've been feeling so on the edge of my emotions for the past few days, that at any moment I could break down and cry.

Yesterday I was at an organizational meeting and I found out that a gal at church is going to have a baby. I am really so happy for her, but when I heard the news my heart sunk a little. I could feel that instant emotional distance you try to give yourself from certain things, and my eyes became a little warm. Like I have a grasp, an understanding on why my pregnancy didn't work out, but logic can't take away emotion...no matter how invincible I feel I am. I don't know if the surge of emotions is due to hormones continuing to re-level themselves or what, but it has been tricky.

While I was listening to the recital I placed my hand on my tummy, I wasn't thinking about anything when I did it, but I just couldn't help but remember the firm, little round belly that was there a few weeks ago. Terminal things are so difficult, even if you understand the why's and how's of it all. I'm learning so much about the relationship between mind, body, and spirit. I feel at times that I am on peaceful, neutral ground, and at other times they are all fighting against one another. One can be a mediator, but which deserves that privelage, would I ever want one in control of the other? No. I don't think so. So for now I will continue to be randomly weepy and look forward to what is in store for me...and take joy in the things I am actively engaged in that bring me such an amazing sense of joy.

The last song at the recial was a worship song: One Pure and Holy Passion. I really loved it. It's about following after God, as most worship songs are, but I loved what it was asking for...

Give me one pure and holy passion
And give me one magnificent obsession
Give me one glorious ambition for my life...

The following line is what the singer of this song hopes will be her passion: "To know and follow hard after You." I've been thinking a lot about how more and more people seem to lack passion for something...for anything. We fall into a sort of gelatainous herd that wiggles and moves altogther. More lives seem more lackluster. Why? What do we crave? What do our souls desire? What brings us joy and makes us laugh and cry and makes our blood boil and hearts feel at peace? What are we truly living for? What do we want to achieve during our time on earth? Why don't we always live for these things...?

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