My watch stopped working today

It might have been yesterday that it stopped working, I can't recall, only know that it was stuck on about twenty minutes past three. My Grammy gave it to me for graduation, among other things, and I cracked the glass in it somewhere throughout the course of Brecken's farewell party before she went to New Jersey. It still worked after that and I was glad. It has moved about four minutes since I noticed it was off and changed it to the real time. I set it about an hour ago. I'll remember that equivalency and hope it is right. I've been meaning to send it in to get the glass fixed, but haven't. Now it hopefully just needs a battery as well.

I don't ever want a new watch.

Grammy is 80. She went on a lunch date the other day. A man named Art Lee. She said she didn't think it would go anywhere because he's older and a little sick and it was hard enough for her to take care of a man who was sick who she'd been married to for nearly 60 years when he died, seven months short of sixty years. I cried a little when I heard she was going out with someone even though I pray every night she won't be lonely. It's not about her being older and me hoping he was a safe driver or that my grandpa could possibly be "replaced." None of that, just that it would be different and I would have no part in it. I've never hated change or been against it, but only because I've always usually been in the middle of it. I was very uncomfortable with the idea of it this time.

We picked out the yarn for her to make an afghan for my first baby. She makes all of her grandchildren an afghan when their first baby is born. The only reason why we picked it out is because of the chance that something would happen to her before Jake and I actually have our first child. That scares me too. I will just be so sad on "that day." It's the kind of day that makes you wake up crying when it enters your mind. The worst part is, I've been thinking about this quite a bit...I wasn't the nicest person in the world to her before I got married. I would give anyone in my situation reason to be short, but at the same time I wish I would have maintained better control.

There was one night not long after I'd moved back from California (within the first week) and I was driving her back to her house so I could use her car and we were talking about Jake and I. I knew everything she was saying was coming directly from my mom's mouth and I hadn't been able to counteract it for a while since I was gone and it was just awful. She told me that I was acting just like I did with Josh regarding Jake. I told her that was one of the biggest insults I'd ever received. It was, it broke my heart. The whole fifteen miles to her house were like this, the whole time my heart was racing and I wanted to cry or scream or do anything but be there where I was listening to the things I was listening to. The kicker was when we got to the store about a block away from her house and she asked me, as we were walking back to the car, if I'd heard that my cousin had been raped the weekend before. This was the day after I was telling Jake how appalling that act was to me, how every time I heard of it it made me cry and get sick. In the middle of a parking lot, my cousin, my Grammy the bearer in the most insensitive way, especially after everything she'd just said to me. I lost it. It was insta-tears and I threw the keys and whipped everything into the trunk as fast as I could and told her to get into the car. I was embarrassed to be so emotional in public and also hating myself for how ugly my heart felt. My tone was so harsh and I could have kept it in for a little while longer and screamed the whole way home, but I didn't. I think I said the front of my grandma. She always only wants the best for me. Even if she doesn't consider how I'll take things when she says them, like when she would always tell me I needed to get a job and I was trying my best to do so without a car and any prospects of anything. (And even if she thinks the best for me is just what she thinks.) I hate that time, and it seems like it should have been one of the happiest because I was getting ready to marry my soul mate. Anyway, I'm sad that my watch isn't working right now. And I miss my Grammy. She's going to be in Oklahoma visiting her sister in October. She cries every time we're going to hang up the phone. I miss her that much too, I just tell her not to cry. It's so hard always wondering if I've "made it right" with the people who I would least like to hurt in the world.


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