Maggie

My cousin and her husband got into a car accident in Colorado on Sunday. They were in Colorado, on their way home to Utah, and hit a slick spot in the road and another car hit them. Her husband died and they flew Maggie to Phoenix because they have "the best" trauma center there. She has yet to regain consciousness. They've removed her spleen, appendix, gallbladder, and her pelvis is broken. They got married on August 13, 2004...Just 3 1/2 months ago. Maggie has an older sister, Laurel, and a twin, Rachel. Laurel got married in May, Maggie in August, and Rachel is supposed to get married on December 21. Their mom died of cancer when Rachel and Maggie were 9. She is a junior at BYU, she and Rachel. Her condition hasn't improved since the accident.

Having said that, I just want to say that I don't think I've ever been this sad. I might take that back and say that nothing has ever felt so close to my life. Just after Jake and I got married and less now, I look at him when we're going to sleep and am so thankful, but loving him the way I do makes the moments of thinking about life without him hurt, and it makes my insides twist around and then my eyes get warm and I kiss his eyes because they are there for me to. And all of this somehow consoles me with thinking that life is out of my hands and that no matter what happens in our lives we will have made the best of it...I want her to be okay and to wake up, but I'm so completely torn right now in not knowing what her outcome will be...If I were her, I wouldn't want to wake up. She doesn't even know her husband is dead yet. If I did wake up, I would want to fall back to sleep after hearing that, and I would be so mad that I couldn't. Everything I've done since I found out has been cautioned and celebrated. I got out of the shower this morning and went to put my clothes on. I opened my "top drawer" and pulled out my under garments and thought about how silly a thing it was to think of as being something that we take for granted. I got dressed this morning, and I think about her small frame lying in a hospital bed with her entire world upside down and wonder if she'll ever again have the luxury of opening her very own top drawer to begin the process of getting dressed. It just doesn't seem fair either way, if she lives or dies. I'm at work and the tears are trying harder. My reason for this whole entry is that she is in Phoenix and many of you are physically closer to her than I, and oh how I long to be there with her and my family, to have someone to cry with when crying alone feels silly.

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