Some days are hard. Really hard. The kind of days where the best thing would be to just sit and have a good cry, but the tears can't make it past the walls of frustration. Those walls are slowly coming down. I wish the dam would just break, but a little spilling over the top is good enough right now.
Today was a really good day until late afternoon (and that's including Magnolia's tantrum at the store [very mild to what you're likely thinking when you see "tantrum," but it was a tantrum nonetheless], cleaning "skid marks" off a rug [don't ask], folding and putting away laundry for two hours [my whole "break" while Magnolia was at school] and approximately 3 spills) when I was at the park with Cora and Magnolia. Cora was talking to an older boy (9-ish), and he told her, more than once that he couldn't understand a word she was saying. She didn't phased by it, but I was. The light-hearted way he was telling her was a sort of dismissal of her. It made my heart sad. He later ended up joining in a game of hide-and-go-seek that Cora had started.
I didn't quite let go of the hurt I felt, and the frustration of knowing there isn't an instantaneous fix for her to always be easily understood just exploded after we got home and Magnolia had an accident right next to me while I was making dinner. It was one of those CAN'T ANYTHING BE EASY moments? "Can't I just make dinner (add any and every activity here) without having to swoop in and fix something?" I felt petty and silly for getting so worked up. I went into super survival mode. I just wanted to sit on the kitchen floor, in the puddle of urine even, and have my cry, but I couldn't.
I worked really hard at giving myself a pep talk, trying to be rational with my thoughts when my emotions were anything but. It helped. And by some miraculous miracle, Jake was able to come home for a few minutes. We shared a quick dinner, he left. I loved on my girls and put them to bed.
And now I'm mentally exhausted, but feeling a welcome release. Relief. And gratitude. No matter how the days go, not a single one has passed away without me feeling blessed, in some way, by the work of being a mother.
My days lately have been flooded with tears and the overwhelming thought of being a mother (and possibly having to go back to work full-time). It's nice to know that even on the really rough days, you are grateful for your role as a mother and that sometimes sleep helps take care of things. Most days I'm entirely sure I'm not ready for this change, but it's too late to do anything about it now.
ReplyDeleteFor some reason I am just now seeing this post! OH how I identify with you. I too many many days trudge through calling Chris more times than I should wanting desperately to run away but at the same time feeling so blessed and loved. I live many days for that evening release. I can make it day to day if I can get that quiet for a minute to recount by blessings and praise God I made it though another day (without harming anyone) I love you-Heather
ReplyDelete