Inner Workings on this Christmas Eve.

I'm sitting outside the Barnard Memorial Methodist Church in Holdenville, OK. There is a Christmas Eve Candlelight service happiness inside. Magnolia was very tired and on the verge of a meltdown in the middle of What Child is This? She and I put on our coats and went out to the car. She fell asleep within minutes. I'm feeling especially grateful we brought our Volvo down instead of the Prius because the heater in this car is amazing. I'm a little sad to be missing communion and the candle lighting, but really, I don't mind much. I understand tired, and there's something nice about this quiet moment. The stars are lovely.

I've been feeling so sentimental about my girls. About my little Goo. And lately (it's been going in waves for the last year) I've had this deep down longing for another baby. I always imagine being the mother of another daughter. I even get weepy sometimes when I think about it - like right now. Most of the time it's hard to imagine having another child because I often feel like a single parent with Jake's work schedule. And while it's true, love grows for each baby you have, so does the worry. I can't imagine how another child would multiply the worry I try my best to keep at bay every single second of every single day. 

But tonight, with my lovely three-year-old sleeping behind me, I'm letting myself imagine what it would be like to carry another little love, deliver [her], feed her, stay up staring at her, watch her grow and discover new things. I'm thinking about Mary, and find myself longing for God to plant an angel babe in me (with Jake's help, of course, I can't imagine being the mother of God's only begotten daughter). If it just happens, I won't have to sit and wonder if I'm supposed to be the mother of three. Knowing when we were ready to start our family was so much easier than trying to decide if our family is complete. 


  1. Oh, so true! I was sooooo done at 5, but couldn't imagine my life without our Britten!! If it helps, all those worries disappear the moment you push that new life into the world. It comes back the first little bit, but eventually it all works out.

    *that seemed so optimistic, but then not....

    I say go for it!!

  2. You are so amazing. I can relate although I have one child. for the last 6 months, we've been trying to have a child. I've been taking my basal body temperature every morning so I know when I ovulate, and it seems baby dancing is timed right. I question why at times, but then I know it will happen when it is meant to. We're taking a 6 month break though. Hopefully I can lose more weight, get healthier, and be at a better place altogether than I am right now. I hope we have a boy next. In fact, we have a boy and girl name picked out already. Then hopefully at some point we can adopt. 3 is my max, but I hope for a boy and a girl biologically. Girl- check. : ) May you be blessed in unimaginable ways as you live out the plan God has for your lives.

    1. Those months of trying without the desired results are so difficult. It took four months to get pregnant the first time, then we miscarried at 12 weeks. It took six months of trying before got pregnant with Cora. I don't know how many ovulation tests I went through - many! And between Cora and Magnolia, we never did anything to prevent having a baby. C was 19 months old when we got pregnant with M. I found that with both of my girls, when I stopped obsessing over it is when it happened. And at such funny times - a month after we graduated from college, and about two weeks after we moved to Chicago.

      I think you have a good attitude about it - take some time to focus on some other things, and maybe when you least expect it, you'll find you have a little surprise.

  3. You are an amazing mother, and I've always admired your relationship with your girls. If you want some reminders of a newborn, I'm happy to text you during Eva's late night feedings,or her phases of crying for hours. ;-) I've thought a lot about Mary this season, too. I was listening to the song "Breath of Heaven," and just balled all the way through it. I hope you had a great Christmas. We should be in-person friends again soon. :-)

    1. Thanks for your kind words. I had extended sleepless nights with both girls. I feel like I'm still catching up! I like sleep - I love it - I never knew how much I loved it until I had kids and couldn't do it whenever I wanted.

      I think about Mary most at Christmas time - another result of motherhood. I think about her in that stable, full of the beautiful euphoria that comes right after delivering a baby. These lyrics to Mary's Lullaby come to mind:

      Oh, let me enfold thee, my baby, tonight;
      While legions are singing in joyous delight.
      A new star has risen to hail thee divine,
      For you are a king, but tonight you are mine.

      Yes, let's get together soon.



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