Passion

Passion seems like such a bold subject line...

I went to a friend's vocal recital today. I don't know what it was, but the whole thing made me want to cry. I love this girl. I think she is so amazing and spirited and true to herself. She was so connected to what she was doing, to the words she was singing and it was so beautiful. I don't know if it's the time in my life or what, just the way certain things affect me. I've been feeling so on the edge of my emotions for the past few days, that at any moment I could break down and cry.

Yesterday I was at an organizational meeting and I found out that a gal at church is going to have a baby. I am really so happy for her, but when I heard the news my heart sunk a little. I could feel that instant emotional distance you try to give yourself from certain things, and my eyes became a little warm. Like I have a grasp, an understanding on why my pregnancy didn't work out, but logic can't take away emotion...no matter how invincible I feel I am. I don't know if the surge of emotions is due to hormones continuing to re-level themselves or what, but it has been tricky.

While I was listening to the recital I placed my hand on my tummy, I wasn't thinking about anything when I did it, but I just couldn't help but remember the firm, little round belly that was there a few weeks ago. Terminal things are so difficult, even if you understand the why's and how's of it all. I'm learning so much about the relationship between mind, body, and spirit. I feel at times that I am on peaceful, neutral ground, and at other times they are all fighting against one another. One can be a mediator, but which deserves that privelage, would I ever want one in control of the other? No. I don't think so. So for now I will continue to be randomly weepy and look forward to what is in store for me...and take joy in the things I am actively engaged in that bring me such an amazing sense of joy.

The last song at the recial was a worship song: One Pure and Holy Passion. I really loved it. It's about following after God, as most worship songs are, but I loved what it was asking for...

Give me one pure and holy passion
And give me one magnificent obsession
Give me one glorious ambition for my life...

The following line is what the singer of this song hopes will be her passion: "To know and follow hard after You." I've been thinking a lot about how more and more people seem to lack passion for something...for anything. We fall into a sort of gelatainous herd that wiggles and moves altogther. More lives seem more lackluster. Why? What do we crave? What do our souls desire? What brings us joy and makes us laugh and cry and makes our blood boil and hearts feel at peace? What are we truly living for? What do we want to achieve during our time on earth? Why don't we always live for these things...?

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Chocolate and Ice

I have consumed enough chocolate in the past week to add up to about a year's worth of regular chocolate binging. There have been a few nights where it has sufficed for my dinner. I know, I know. I think we're getting to the bottom of the chocolate bowl and it couldn't come too soon. My face is a wreck! I am so broken out. I don't solely blame chocolate for that, just the dramatic shift in my diet, WHOA! For the whole time I was pregnant, I hated sweet things. I've definitely made up for that.

An ice storm came through Oklahoma on Friday. I haven't been out of the house since about 3:00 Friday afternoon. I really enjoy nature forcing you to stay inside. I just wish that it wasn't happening over a day off. Oklahoma City Public Schools cancelled school for tomorrow. One of the universities in the metro area cancelled. We're waiting to see if we'll have to go to school at all tomorrow. I'm hoping that the answer is no. The world is so beautiful when it's under a covering of white. I've been tearing up bread and throwing it out the front door for the random animals who didn't make it out in time. I think they appreciate it.

So, student teaching...I LOVE IT! I'm at Northwest Classen High School. I think it's amazing. It's everything I could have ever dreamed a school could be as far as diversity goes. It sure isn't Apache Junction High School where just about everyone was white or Mexican. It also needs some lovin'. It's sort of the step-child school. They need more books! They need more drinking fountains! The students need to read more! I know that doesn't sound too exciting, but it would help them out so much. It wouldn't be busy work reading, it would be very beneficial reading. With reading I wish there was more writing going on as well. These are just some of my observations so far. I'm just so pleased with the overall experience. I really can't wait to have a school that is mine and students who are really mine. It's hard to want to try something new when it isn't really my place to do so...not yet anyway.

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Miscarrying

Okay, there's no smooth or soft, nice way to say this, so if you read the subject you understand what this is going to be about - It's a little graphic, like PG graphic. You know what's happening, but aren't given great detail.

I started miscarrying on Monday. Quick clarification: I always assumed that when people miscarried, it was this sort of swift, almost instantaneous process that made them not pregnant anymore. It's not that at all. It is quite an amazing process that in some cases can take around three weeks if your body is allowed to do it naturally. So, I haven't "miscarried" just yet, rather I am still in the process of miscarrying. We had a feeling that something might be wrong because my little pregnant belly went away somewhere over the course of being in Arizona. I also lost a few pounds. That's part of the reason why I hadn't posted any new pictures - there was nothing new to see.

Here's what happened:

Monday: I was at a movie theatre to see "The Pursuit of Happyness." I did my ritual, pregnant "go to the bathroom before anything starts." I noticed that I had started spotting. I control a random freak out because I had prepared myself for this certain situation by reading lots of things. The discharge was brownish pink. That color combination equals no worries. I still went into the theatre and pulled Jake out to tell him what was going on. I sent him back in because we were there with his parents and brother. I went back out and called my mom because that's what a girl automatically does, simply for reassurance from a woman who has done the whole pregnancy thing. She was, however, my mom, and while giving me sound advice, it was on the incredibly worried side. I called my Grammy in the restroom because she has been pregnant nine times. I thought somewhere in there she would have spotted. She had and it was like mine and my Uncle Kim happened. She did have a miscarriage to, so I found out what that was like so I would know. I went back into the theatre right as the movie started and would highly recommend it to anyone who hasn't seen it.

Tuesday: I'm still spotting, but it's okay, until that afternoon. I saw some bright red blood mixed in. That's a go figure out what's happening sign. We went to the ER and spent about four-and-a-half hours there. They couldn't tell us anything. It made me feel sick, mad, and frustrated. I was in a hospital and they couldn't tell us one way or another!

Wednesday: I laid low and slept and ate and we celebrated our third wedding anniversary.

Thursday: I went to my OBGYN appointment. My doctor had another ultrasound performed and we finally had an answer: They couldn't hear a heartbeat. I had started cramping later Wednesday night and they were growing increasingly more intense. My doctor said that we could do a D&C or see how my body would do naturally to save me a surgery. I decided to go naturally.

Friday: I went to a meeting for student teaching (which I start on Monday) in the morning. I walked around the mall for a bit, Jake and I went home and then out to get ice cream and see "Freedom Writers." When the previews came out I couldn't wait to see it because what that teacher does is my dream to do. Yay for new teachers and what they can do if they are brave enough to not listen to the stereotypes of "seasoned" teachers. The cramps had still been increasing. They were like mild labor pains - coming and going - only with more frequency and intensity. When the movie got out I didn't know if I could make it to the car. I had never felt anything like what I was feeling. It was constant pain with really big pain that would come and subside and then come again until it was pretty much all the same. We got home and I was doing lots of mind over matter things until I couldn't stand it anymore. I went into the bathroom, stayed there for about an hour and I think the worst of this miscarrying process is over. I passed what I'm pretty sure was the embryonic sac and fetus. It was about the size of a walnut. Let me just say now...if ever any of you have a miscarriage and are as far along as I was, do the D&C. The pain of doing it the natural way is tolerable, but seeing AND feeling everything that comes out is a little bit traumatizing - A LOT traumatizing. Aside from the visual images, I had this really amazing sense of pride. My body was doing what it was supposed to. I was making it through the pain. I was moving passed this.

Jake and I are really doing quite well emotionally. I had my big crying breakdown on Thursday when I thought of "Quackers." It was so sentimental that Quackers would never be anything more than just that...an idea, a future Ben or Cora. The doctor said we will be able to try again after my next normal cycle - which should occur four to six weeks after the miscarriage is complete. We don't want anyone to feel bad around us. We're really okay. It's okay if you don't know what to say. I wouldn't know what to say. My doctor said it best when he said, "There's nothing you could have done. It's just one of those really crappy things that happen."

We're so thankful for all of the support that everybody gave to us and continually gives. We are still looking forward to starting our family. It just won't be as big of a surprise next time ;).

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