Winter. Time. And in other news...

Winter in Oklahoma decided to show up when I was really hoping for Spring. I think it's definitely a pattern now that it has snowed the week of Cora's birthday for the last three winters. Over night we got something like two inches of sleet in one hour, so just about everything was shut down today. Our first snow day of the season - at the end of February.

I enjoyed our snow day. Jake wasn't completely off the hook. OCU opened at 9:30, but we was gone by 8:30. I got a text from my aunt before 7AM that my cousin Katelynn had delivered her first child. A sweet little babe named Danielle. I made strawberry scones for breakfast in honor of her arrival (the recipe is for marionberry lavender scones, but I skipped the lavender and used strawberries instead - they were the best scones I've ever had). I also made a chocolate cake for dinner dessert just because, though my girls were sure it was for some sort of celebration.

There is a hole in my heart where Katelynn is concerned. She was the cousin I saw most growing up. I spent summer vacations with them, I lived with them for a while before I got married. We shared a room when we were post high school girls figuring out life and in-love with the men who would become our husbands. This is the hole in my heart part: I haven't seen her since my wedding. 

Over nine years. 

If anyone would have told me I wouldn't see her for that long the last time I saw her,  I wouldn't have been able to contain my laughter. I don't know how time has slipped by like this. There's a family shower planned for her on March 9th. Jake was asked to be a rehearsal accompanist today for a show that OCU is doing in April, and while there's no way it would work out, I was almost crazy enough to make him a deal that if he did it, I would be in Sacramento for a shower in a few weeks. And crazy it is because he would be gone from 7AM-10PM (a little before and a little after) for six weeks. And crazy because he already has 20 known conflicting events he needs to be at that he would have to have a sub fill in for him at the rehearsals. So he probably won't be home from 7AM-10PM for the next six weeks away, but I thought it might just be my ticket. 

And in other news: I've been having anxiety attacks. I had my first about a year ago. It was a series over the course of a few weeks. I was finally beside myself, researching everything I could. St. John's Wort seemed promising, and I'd mentioned my all over the place-ness to a friend, and she said that St. John's Wort had helped her. I went to Whole Foods the next day and bought the big bottle of the herbal supplement, and the difference was amazing. But my trusty herbal friend isn't quite cutting it anymore. When this all first began, Magnolia had just stopped breastfeeding. I'd also broken my foot, so I wasn't running/exercising and getting all of my happy endorphins. I'm to the point where I'm quite certain there is an underlying medical condition. Since I stopped breastfeeding, I've been getting ovarian cysts. Before all of this, I'd had one ovarian cyst. We were staying with Jake's parents before we moved to Chicago, and one night I was having trouble sleeping because of a pain in my abdomen, so I went to the bathroom to get some ibuprofen. One second I was standing there about to get a drink at the sink and the next I was on the floor. I passed out long enough to fall over, but I remember the sound of my head hitting the door on my way down. Thankfully that sound also woke Jake up, which is rare as he is a really heavy sleeper. (When I was little, I thought the name Jacob was 'Jakeup' and it was so funny to me.) 

I don't have a primary care physician (I haven't really needed one), so in asking a friend who is also a therapist for advice on where to start with the whole anxiety attack thing, she graciously recommended her own PCP. I made an appointment with her, but it wasn't until March 15th. I called another recommended physician, and got an appointment for March 12th. I was very happy to get a message on my phone this afternoon that there was a cancellation with the March 15th doctor and I can get in to see her on Tuesday. The timeline feels like such a relief. Anxiety attacks are so scary. I haven't fingered out what has been triggering this new round. Last year, I could feel the stress, even if I knew my reaction to the stress was irrational. The four I've had recently have come completely out of nowhere. They've happened on good days. The first one I had, I felt like something hit me, and a few hours later, long after the peak, I could feel the awful heaviness just leave as quickly as it came. It's taking a huge toll on me, and I can also see it affecting my girls, which is the worst feeling ever. Thankfully I know that we have a very established bond of love between us. They know I love them, I know they love me, even if I have to spend time during our days trying to keep myself from breaking down, or putting myself back together if I do. 

I had to tell the sweet family of the baby I've been watching that I just can't do it. I obviously need to concentrate on figuring out what's going on, and even though Baby E is super easy, having an extra someone has made for an extended adjustment for my girls (namely a very clingy Magnolia). I'm watching her through the end of the month, which is the end of next week. If you know anyone or are that someone who can watch the most content little newborn through the end of the school year, let me know. 

I can't wait to get to the bottom of this. I still feel like me almost all of the time, but there is definite stress that comes from wondering when another attack will come. And that, along with recovering from the attacks, is physically and emotionally exhausting.


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