Balance

I don't want to fill every post with how I'm adjusting to being on medication, but such is my life at the moment. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I left Sunday school this afternoon to go take a nap in the car because I was afraid I was going to fall asleep on Jake's shoulder, and that would have made me feel super rude.

After the first night of hardly any sleep, I decided to take my medication in the morning. I slept better, but between 11 AM (about 4 hours after I take it) and 4 PM, I feel completely wiped out. I'm going to try taking a half dose tonight and see how that works tomorrow. I know there is an adjustment period, but I feel like I'm sleep walking.

Over dinner, Jake and I were discussing how I was feeling. We talked about how I'm taking medication to correct some sort of imbalance, and he wondered if I would need anything if our life were more balanced. I think this is the truth for my situation. I can't imagine ever having an anxiety attack in the presence of anyone outside of my family. I have them when I feel trapped. I've been feeling very trapped in our life's circumstance. Jake works 60-70 hours per week, which means I shoulder the ins and outs of parenthood alone most of the time. Hardly any breaks. And 60-70 hours a week spent working doesn't always guarantee that ends will meet. It's when I feel stuck that the expectations I perceive from everyone around me feel like too much. My girls are hungry but they just ate. The hamper is full but we just finished laundry. I can't make dinner because Magnolia doesn't want me to put her down. Cora wants me to play a game exactly as she imagines I should. Jake doesn't have anything to take for lunch. No college fund. No retirement. Every errand, big or small, with two small children in tow. I know these things aren't atypical, but when there's never a blip on the radar for change, it just feels so overwhelming. I'm putting too much pressure on myself. I can't be a good enough housekeeper because I'm trying to be a good mother. I can't be a good enough mother because I'm trying to be a good housekeeper. My children have eaten enriched macaroni in some sort of meal every day for lunch this week. And so on.

But really, what I think has brought this on most of all, is that there is some glimmering light of hope for change on the horizon. I want it to happen, but what if it doesn't? I know I should just have faith. I do. I know I should take it one day at a time. I try. I know that everything will work out exactly how it's supposed to, however, having clarity in the big picture doesn't always save me from moments of panic. [Even if in the big picture I also know that I am a good mother and that my vacuum gets used a lot.]

Balance was a really good word to bring up. I'm going to be dwelling on it.

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