Mixed Tape

I'm listening to a song Brecken burned me back in high school - 20,000 Seconds by K's Choice. It just turned to El Matador - a song I put on repeat and would fall asleep to most nights of my senior year. Today marks day 6. I've decided that it would be fun if she's born on an odd day. Today doesn't fit that plan, but tomorrow and the 1st do. Feb. 1 is my mom's birthday...there'd be something fun and cosmic about that. AND Feb 1 is a Friday, and I was born on a Friday, and that always meant something to me.

I had really intense, painful contractions yesterday. Cora was moving all over the place. I hoped that she was flipping. I felt kicking and flutters in different spots, but overall, I think she's probably still breech. When the doctor was giving instructions for me to be sudadated, she said, "You made it to 33 weeks!" Indeed I have.

They took away my 30 minute walking period. Yesterday, Ashleigh - a great friend - pushed me all around in a wheelchair for 30 minutes. I so apreciated it. I can get up and around, but have to stay on my floor. Aside fro the cool maziness of my floor, I'm sad I can't go down to the third. It has a big skywalk full of windows that connects lots of buildings. I like being able to see downtown. It makes me feel closer to home. I also randomly look at nursery pictures from Cora's room to see the place I haven't been in about a week. I can't believe I never seriously took the time to go vulunteer at a hospital. There is a need. I am lucky and have people around me all the time, either in person or over the phone. I was always afraid of how heartbreaking seeing "all those sick people" would be. I'm not sick. Aside from the fact that my uterus is in a state of endless constraction, I feel great...just a bit caged. In another room we had I pretended to see an all seeing eye stairing out from behing a box of gloves. It was really just a screw that had fractured part of the plastic holder. I can't imaine what it would be now if I was still there. Anyway, I want to make it a point to step outside my comfort box to comfort others. I never would have imagined that there was a woman out there in labor stuck in a hopital for an indeterminite amount of time. I've always known there's more to life than the daily grind...but now I won't be able to help figuring out what those things are and helping make them better.

Today I might get gussied up...as much as I can...I still have more belly pictures to take! 33 Weeks and 1 Day. I think the last one was around 30 weeks. There's more Cora now for sure. I keep almost falling asleep while I'm writing this. I might try for a bit me sleep before I officially start my day.

I got sad 2 nights ago. My contractions had spaced out a bit. Around 2 AM the nurse came in and unhooked the iv. When she left, I turned and looked at Jake over on his little cot. I just started crying. I know a lot of it was exhaustion. My only consolation was to pick up a pillow and blanket and squeeze in beside him on my side of the bed. After a few minutes and a few more tears, I went to sleep, that's where I got my 2 hours of sleep for that night.

Yesterday someone told me, "She'll just never know all that you did for her." I haven't really thought about it from that angle. I suppose I would if I knew someone else in a situation similar to mine...something like we never really recognize/acknowlwedge all our parents have done for us. But that's not how I feel right now, not in my situation. Jake and I got this little baby to this point. This point of sweet, almost unrecognizable chest movement on an ultrasound where she's practicing with her lungs, and the little visible fuzzy hair on her head, and her chubby cheeks and fingers, and how she sits with one leg curled under her. She is mine, and I love her, and I haven't even seen her smile or look at me with open eyes. My job is to get her here. Her job is not to acknowledge that in itself, but to grow and learn and make the most of what it means to be a human being. I'll share some of my favorite parts of all of that along the way. I'm proud for us that we've made it another week. One more week, besides full term, is our ultimate goal. One more week here is daunting, but day by day it's not so bad.


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