Giving it up, sort of.

We did this crazy thing today. After talking about it for a few days, and thinking about it for several months, we called and cancelled our internet service at home. It's effective tomorrow. It's a good thing we're leaving for Arizona early in the morning. Ease into it.

I'm not giving up the internet entirely. It's useful. It's big. I enjoy it. But I use it way too much. I find myself planning my life on it much more than living it. I remember when I went through the phase of thinking in facebook status updates a few years ago. I was mortified. This website and one of its features was so inside my head that most of my thoughts consisted of clever little lines having to do with whatever I was doing. It was a good jolt.

My girls are on-line a lot. It's easy. For them and me. I plug away right along with them. I want them to be in the real world. Not the one on a screen. I want that for me too. I want to be in other people's presence more. I want to share in their company more. Face time. Not over a screen (though I love screen face time with people far away).

I know that being on-line is just as normal as normal can be nowadays. And I'm not against it, but something about it isn't working for me. One of my favorite things to do is just sit and think. More and more, instead of just sitting and thinking, if I have a spare moment, I'm looking something up. I'm getting bored more often, unable to be alone with my own thoughts because my thoughts are so often dictated by what I'm looking up.

I have everything
and something is always missing
I am fulfilled and never content
I am interested and bored out of my mind 

I've tried to limit time on my own, and I do all right for a while, and then I find myself in the same situation again. When I was running yesterday, I thought about how I ran when I was younger because I was good at it. Now, something about running has to do with this quest to figure out why I stop running before I'm tired. Why I can't talk myself into keeping with it. Pushing myself the extra little mile, especially when there's no real point to my exertion other than just doing it. This no internet at home thing will be a lesson in self-mastery. And since this is week one of half-marathon training, maybe I'll come out with all kinds of new insight about myself. New insight, and new ways of living that go along with it.

So for the next three months (the trial period we've given ourselves), I will be planning deliberate trips to the library and other places with free wi-fi. My internet browsing will have a purpose and a time constraint. My biggest fear was not having my blog at hand all the time (and being able to drop an email to friends whenever I want). I love blogging. I blogged before there was blogging. I would write down various theories and thoughts and email them to everyone in my contact list - back when I was SpRChiC85. I even had an old aol website called "Watch Out World, SpRChiC's comin' to get ya." I can write whenever - wherever, and post it during my deliberate on-line time. What I'm most looking forward to, besides special sacred think time, is not telling my girls "Just a second" when I'm looking at things that aren't even important. I don't want to miss out on them for things that don't matter. And that has been happening way too much.

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