A Throw Back

We went to San Diego at the beginning of June so Jake could research his thesis topic at UCSD. We stayed in a cute little hostel in Point Loma. We really loved San Diego. On our way across Imperial Valley (the really flat spot right before you go through the mountains that stand between the ocean and the hottest kind of heat), I had a thought. I suddenly felt a random sentimentality for high school...not wishing to go back, but just how different I am now. You have to understand that high school was my last bit of social life before getting married, as I was married at 18.

I was SO self-conscious in high school...about everything. It wasn't just in high school, it was in general. It was weird because I in no way secluded myself because of it, I was just terrified before everything I did. And I did everything! Let's start with my overall biggest debilitator - Sweaty Arm Pits...Okay, there's one before that - Acne. I didn't actually have acne in high school, but I started getting it in 5th grade - way before anybody did. It was horrible through the end of 8th grade. I had bangs to cover part of it (probably a big cause of it), but I never thought I was pretty because of it. Sweaty arm pits started in seventh grade...some girl made fun of me for it in home ec. So I never raised my arm all the way in high school, and I knew what colors and fabrics showed sweat the least. Grey cotton was my worst enemy.

In Track and Cross Country I was always afraid I was going to be last. I was far from it. I could run 400m in 60 seconds, and I ran state in cross country. In CC, I rarely came in under 10th place, but before every single race, I had to talk myself into not giving a million different reasons I had stored away for why I shouldn't run.

Then there was flag and show choir. That's obvious, I didn't want to sing a wrong note or drop my flag, and before anyone starts the flag jokes, we were the best in state my junior and senior year. I'm still terrified to sing in front of people. The fact that I ever auditioned for choir is a miracle. I'll always be glad for Mrs. Wharton filling in at the end of the school year - she wasn't so scary.

I never just wore my hair in a ponytail because I thought it looked too stringy. I was always myself around people, but not always true to myself around me. I dated a boy for way too long. When it was all over, I felt about 2 inches tall. I'm sure that had a lot to do with it. When we broke up I dropped down to 89 pounds. I just couldn't keep anything down. That was also the year my best friend died in a car accident. I slept a lot in class because I couldn't sleep at night. I was always smart, but my grades didn't show it anymore. Chemistry and Algebra III don't make a lot of sense when you're not awake.

I was always the "cute" one. Girls coveted my 23 inch waist, and I didn't want to be defined by my looks, or my ditzy front that was easy to put up to avoid anyone seeing the most important parts of me...the most important parts to me. I wanted to hold myself sacred even if I was afraid to show it to most people.

So we're driving through Imperial Valley, and I'm thinking all of these things in a flash, and I just had this peace sweep over me. I'm still the same, but I'm different...and I found Certain Dry 5 years ago, which is a miracle for sweaty armpits. It's amazing how I continue to grow more comfortable in my skin as time goes by.

3 comments