We adopted the perfect dog. He was sweet and gentle and fun. And he loved to cuddle. For whatever reason, however, it just didn't feel right to have a dog right now. My stomach just did a flip typing that last sentence. We don't have a good reason, and while it didn't feel right to keep him, it didn't feel right to give him up either. But tonight, his sweet foster mom was waiting at our house when we returned home from our evening stroll. Cora was beside herself. She said things far more profound than what I was hoping she would feel. This is her first period of grief. Maybe her second because getting rid of paci definitely involved a mourning period. Something still doesn't feel quite right, but wow, tonight was so hard. If you are thinking of getting a dog, adopt George! (He'll probably be Davis on the Bella Foundation website.) And let us visit him. I guess the really extra hard part wasn't just that we loved him, but how very much we knew he loved us.
I've been trying to analyze my feelings. For the last few months, a voice inside my head has been whispering a name. It's one that Jake and I had on a list of potential names for our children. It's our last girl name. I've tried to quiet this voice. I remind it of how crazy my pregnancies have been. Who would watch my girls while I'm hospitalized at various points because of preterm labor? I feel so guilty thinking about it.
As much as I love Jake, I don't love him giving me shots once a week. What if Zofran doesn't make me throw up less this time and I have to be in the hospital at the beginning and end? And I can't even begin to express the cost! Just the the time in the hospital with Cora was over $60,000. We lucked out with our insurance coverage both times, but 80/20 coverage of over $60,000 is a huge chunk of change. Dot - she's perfect for our little family right now, but another baby would require more space. And I don't want to leave our neighborhood. I refuse to leave our neighborhood. I would have to sell a lot of plasma to stay in our neighborhood in a bigger house.
Our girls go to a private school. One more college education to pay for. One more set of braces. And I kindly remind this voice that I sold all of our baby stuff as soon as Magnolia outgrew it. I was done, and I knew it. I thought I knew it. I don't want to test fate! I didn't get any stretch marks of my stomach (that's not to say I don't have plenty elsewhere)!
This voice doesn't seem to mind all of my excuses, and it softly reminds me of this sweet name. It's patient with me. It's working on me. And just when I feel okay entertaining the idea, I think, "WHAT IF I HAVE A BOY?!" Despite the panic of the unknown, I'm listening to this voice more and more. It's part of letting go, of listening to the will that is bigger than my own. I don't think I'll be convinced any time soon. Magnolia has demanded so much of me, and it continues to be that way. I know that all of my fears will be calmed and needs met, but I'm still a control freak when it comes to my life. I blame it on learning "Invictus" in fifth grade - "I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul."
Perhaps my burning desire for a dog was something to busy my time and hands with, something to distract me from quiet moments of listening. We just happened to get George, and he was awesome. It would have been so much easier with a dog who clearly wasn't compatible. Here's to a happy life, George. And for me, an open awareness of what may lie ahead.
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Me! Me! I would love to watch your girls if you needed that. :-)
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is that it will all work out. I hope I would one day be able to get pregnant and keep a pregnancy. I never dreamed what was I store with me. With 4 being the same age, I think about the cost that lies ahead frequently. But then they run up to me, tell me they love me and hug me and the thought goes away. You will know the right thing to do. And if you ignore it, God will loudly remind you! :) by the way, this is Karen Billingsley (I'm leaving my post anonymous)
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you weren't able to keep that adorable dog!! They are lots of work and adjustment. I felt like it was like having another child.
ReplyDeleteI totally understand the thoughts about adding to your family. It requires so much and can be so overwhelming! But, you make beautiful babies and I would LOVE to see what your genes do with a boy!!! They are so different than girls, but a good different.
PS Letting go of that control is hard! I'm living proof of it at the moment...:)
I wanted to tell you that I appreciated your kind words in regard to my current situation. I have had a few hard judgments from people here. Some surprised me! It's been nice to hear words of understanding. thank you and I love you too, BrieAnne!
ReplyDeleteI wish I could tell you how frequently you cross my mind and I wish I was capable of your insight and wisdom. Casey and I had to give our kitten we got after my Belle died back, too. I don't miss her - I didn't love her. But I felt so guilty. And I've struggled with my own whisperings that I'm not ready to hear, too. I keep thinking I can replace them with a kitten, but I'm at least smart enough not to do that again. We've said so many times that we should get together... Only I mean it this time. Let me know when you're back in town.
ReplyDeleteI sat here and cried. Thank you so much for recognizing that voice. Thank you for acknowledging that it can't be silenced. There are so many with judgements and opinions and "just stop having babies" I can't commit because I have learned that voice has other plans! I was pretty sure 5 was a good number for us...That voice said differently. He was planned and commanded. I do not dare say I will not have more. God will tell me if I will have more. (I too am a very strong I take control of my life person but In my journey of mothering I have been blessed to realize God is in control not I)Heather
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