Spin Brush

So I was at Jake's Grandma's (Dad's mom --Mammy) Christmas party today. We played Bingo for presents in the middle. After a while I didn't know what to get so I grabbed the Spin Brush out of

PAUSE:
Picture, Picture, blah blah blah blah blah blah - blah blah blah blah blah - such a long time ago....I love that commercial
RESUME:

the items that remained. I tried it out not too long ago, and it really does give you the just from the dentist feel...minus the sandy, gritty texture - which I really don't mind so much.

Jake and I came home just for the night for a "gig" he's playing at from 7-11. Gah, it's only 9:17...at least I'm over the hump. Anyway, I'm getting the rest of our stuff ready for Arizona. We're leaving straight from Jake's parents on the 26th. I feel so excited. I'm really getting anxious to go. It's not helping that I'm talking to Nathaniel about it at this very minute. YAY for Arizona. Today, on the way home, I had the feeling of being in the super hot sun in a swim suit...the kind of sun where your skin feels a little scorched...I have no idea why, but I was really missing that. Maybe we'll have an unreasonablly warm day there...okay okay, I'll stop wishing for it. But I am really happy to be on my way in about a week. I can't wait to see everyone.

Oh yeah, I got a "Super Duper Reindeer Pooper" in a little gift exchange. It has to be one of the coolest things ever.

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One More Thing

Good night, Tom.

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Maggie

My cousin and her husband got into a car accident in Colorado on Sunday. They were in Colorado, on their way home to Utah, and hit a slick spot in the road and another car hit them. Her husband died and they flew Maggie to Phoenix because they have "the best" trauma center there. She has yet to regain consciousness. They've removed her spleen, appendix, gallbladder, and her pelvis is broken. They got married on August 13, 2004...Just 3 1/2 months ago. Maggie has an older sister, Laurel, and a twin, Rachel. Laurel got married in May, Maggie in August, and Rachel is supposed to get married on December 21. Their mom died of cancer when Rachel and Maggie were 9. She is a junior at BYU, she and Rachel. Her condition hasn't improved since the accident.

Having said that, I just want to say that I don't think I've ever been this sad. I might take that back and say that nothing has ever felt so close to my life. Just after Jake and I got married and less now, I look at him when we're going to sleep and am so thankful, but loving him the way I do makes the moments of thinking about life without him hurt, and it makes my insides twist around and then my eyes get warm and I kiss his eyes because they are there for me to. And all of this somehow consoles me with thinking that life is out of my hands and that no matter what happens in our lives we will have made the best of it...I want her to be okay and to wake up, but I'm so completely torn right now in not knowing what her outcome will be...If I were her, I wouldn't want to wake up. She doesn't even know her husband is dead yet. If I did wake up, I would want to fall back to sleep after hearing that, and I would be so mad that I couldn't. Everything I've done since I found out has been cautioned and celebrated. I got out of the shower this morning and went to put my clothes on. I opened my "top drawer" and pulled out my under garments and thought about how silly a thing it was to think of as being something that we take for granted. I got dressed this morning, and I think about her small frame lying in a hospital bed with her entire world upside down and wonder if she'll ever again have the luxury of opening her very own top drawer to begin the process of getting dressed. It just doesn't seem fair either way, if she lives or dies. I'm at work and the tears are trying harder. My reason for this whole entry is that she is in Phoenix and many of you are physically closer to her than I, and oh how I long to be there with her and my family, to have someone to cry with when crying alone feels silly.

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Declaration of Grief...seriously...rip my heart out

My mom called me today. She told me something that caused insta-tears...Yesterday, they got rid of Lou. Take a second, okay, has it set in yet?...

MY BELOVED BUICK LE SABRE IS HISTORY!

They donated her to some Diabetes thing. Yeah yeah, go good cause someone else. Yeah, so what if she just lived parked in their backyard...Big fat deal. That's what she'll be, a big hunk of light blue metal, I guess. Maybe I can hope that won't be her fate. I didn't contact Pimp My Ride soon enough. And I suppose there isn't even "one more try." My heart really hurts, silly, just a car...metal and rubber and fake velvety stuff, but somehow so much heart, too, just like mine. I wonder if I still have the videotape of her. I think I might of taped over it....it was us together at my think spot with the sun setting on the Superstitions. It was our ideal place. I haven't felt entirely complete this whole time without her. Lou...we've laughed and cried and spit and sputtered and loved each other...bits of who I am are all over her. She was from California, ya know. I love her.

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I love this song and it was on my mind and I wanted to share.

There are Giants in the sky!
There are big tall terrible Giants
in the sky!

When you're way up high
And you look below
At the world you left
And the things you know,
Little more than a glance
Is enough to show
You just how small you are.

When you're way up high
And you're on your own
In a world like none
That you've ever known,
Where the sky is lead
And the earth is stone,

You're free, to do
Whatever pleases you,
Exploring things you'd never dare
'Cause you don't care,
When suddenly there's

A big tall terrible Giant at the door,
A big tall terrible lady Giant
sweeping the floor.
And she gives you food
And she gives you rest
And she draws you close
To her Giant breast,
And you know things now
that you never knew before,
Not till the sky.

Only just when you've made
A friend and all,
And you know she's big
But you don't feel small,
Someone bigger than her
Comes along the hall
To swallow you for lunch.

And you heart is lead
And your stomach stone
And you're really scared
Being all alone...

And it's then that you miss
All the things you've known
And the world you've left
And the little you own-

The fun is done.
You steal what you can and run.
And you scramble down
And you look below,
And the world you know
Begins to grow:

The roof, the house, and your Mother at the door.
The roof, the house and the world you never thought to explore.
And you think of all of the things you've seen,
And you wish that you could live in between,
And you're back again,
Only different than before,
After the sky.

There are Giants in the sky!
There are big tall terrible awesome scary wonderful
Giants in the sky!

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THIRD CLASS -- do not bend

I was shopping in Jake's parent's attic for things to put above the cabinets in our kitchen. Jake's mom was up there with me and we were looking in a box of things that they'd found in cleaning out an old office building. It contained many things from the "Hodges." One thing was a year book from the 20's, though in thinking back, it seems much older. The piece I found to be most interesting was a letter from the White House. It's in an old manila envelope...It's states: The United States of America honors the memory of HOWELL HODGES. This certificate is awarded by a grateful nation in recognition of devoted and selfless consecration to the service of our country. It is signed by Lyndon B. Johnson. I've never seen such a letter. It's still in perfect condition, not even a slightly bent corner. It's on thick paper that wasn't bent. I wonder if people hang them up. Anyway, it was sent to a Mrs. Earnestine Hodges, whose name is really Ernestine. She died in 1984, but lived about a mile away from us when she received the letter back in 1965. I believe Howell is her son, though I haven't found any record of him. I think it's interesting, lives that have been lived and all that played out between the beginning and the end...

I don't know how the postal system works all the way, or if it's any different between then and now (other than the stamps were only $.04), but if I was receiving a letter telling me of the honor bestowed on my loved one for their sacrifice and service, I would like to see first class on the envelope, besides my name being spelled correctly. Though if I were opening it, that would probably be the least of my concerns.

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Gorgias

In my Critical Reading and Writing class we read Gorgias' Encomium of Helen. It's only like four pages long and definitely one of my favorites.

Here's a link if you'd like to read it: http://www.phil.vt.edu/mgifford/phil2115/Helen.htm

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vomit...or any other ugly word you can think of

So I went to myspace.com and got to the login page and holy no to what was there. Some individual known only as "Why the F... not" had a picture of his fully erect dingaling under "Cool new people." I guess he's not really an individual...just a penis. Anyway, it really ticked me off. I WAS ONLY AT THE LOGIN PAGE! I would expect it having gone deeper into peoples friends and such for the time I saw a girl in Sam's little group giving a guy head. I decided to stick to what I know from there, just to play it same. I hate it when you have to see things that you don't want to see. Things that are just displayed where they shouldn't be. Sometimes you can't help what you see, it happens and it's part of life...I'm speaking of accidental occurences, like when I saw a guy who had been shot in the head. I couldn't help it and neither could he. I hate it when people think they're doing something, I don't know what that something is, by intentionally exposing whoever was logging in at that little moment in time to something that they had no way of not seeing...completely against their will. I contemplated losing myspace all together. Then I decided it was not its fault.

I just hate it...Once you see, you can never forget...

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Chicken Noodle Soup

Grammy is getting married. I am happy for her but cried while she was telling me. She asked if I was crying and I told her that I wasn't. I really am happy for her. It's just that change thing that I talked about in some other "blog entry."

Silly tears, I suppose.

I feel like a "puddle of myself."

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Okay, so I caved...Here's the silly survey, don't feel obligated.

Fill this out if you love me(or like me a reasonable amount)

1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. Do you have a crush on me?
5. Would you kiss me?
6. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
7. Describe me in one word.
8. What was your first impression?
9. Do you still think that way about me now?
10. What reminds you of me?
11. If you could give me anything what would it be?
12. How well do you know me?
13. When's the last time you saw me?
14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
15. Are you going to put this on your blog and see what I say about you?

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My watch stopped working today

It might have been yesterday that it stopped working, I can't recall, only know that it was stuck on about twenty minutes past three. My Grammy gave it to me for graduation, among other things, and I cracked the glass in it somewhere throughout the course of Brecken's farewell party before she went to New Jersey. It still worked after that and I was glad. It has moved about four minutes since I noticed it was off and changed it to the real time. I set it about an hour ago. I'll remember that equivalency and hope it is right. I've been meaning to send it in to get the glass fixed, but haven't. Now it hopefully just needs a battery as well.

I don't ever want a new watch.

Grammy is 80. She went on a lunch date the other day. A man named Art Lee. She said she didn't think it would go anywhere because he's older and a little sick and it was hard enough for her to take care of a man who was sick who she'd been married to for nearly 60 years when he died, seven months short of sixty years. I cried a little when I heard she was going out with someone even though I pray every night she won't be lonely. It's not about her being older and me hoping he was a safe driver or that my grandpa could possibly be "replaced." None of that, just that it would be different and I would have no part in it. I've never hated change or been against it, but only because I've always usually been in the middle of it. I was very uncomfortable with the idea of it this time.

We picked out the yarn for her to make an afghan for my first baby. She makes all of her grandchildren an afghan when their first baby is born. The only reason why we picked it out is because of the chance that something would happen to her before Jake and I actually have our first child. That scares me too. I will just be so sad on "that day." It's the kind of day that makes you wake up crying when it enters your mind. The worst part is, I've been thinking about this quite a bit...I wasn't the nicest person in the world to her before I got married. I would give anyone in my situation reason to be short, but at the same time I wish I would have maintained better control.

There was one night not long after I'd moved back from California (within the first week) and I was driving her back to her house so I could use her car and we were talking about Jake and I. I knew everything she was saying was coming directly from my mom's mouth and I hadn't been able to counteract it for a while since I was gone and it was just awful. She told me that I was acting just like I did with Josh regarding Jake. I told her that was one of the biggest insults I'd ever received. It was, it broke my heart. The whole fifteen miles to her house were like this, the whole time my heart was racing and I wanted to cry or scream or do anything but be there where I was listening to the things I was listening to. The kicker was when we got to the store about a block away from her house and she asked me, as we were walking back to the car, if I'd heard that my cousin had been raped the weekend before. This was the day after I was telling Jake how appalling that act was to me, how every time I heard of it it made me cry and get sick. In the middle of a parking lot, my cousin, my Grammy the bearer in the most insensitive way, especially after everything she'd just said to me. I lost it. It was insta-tears and I threw the keys and whipped everything into the trunk as fast as I could and told her to get into the car. I was embarrassed to be so emotional in public and also hating myself for how ugly my heart felt. My tone was so harsh and I could have kept it in for a little while longer and screamed the whole way home, but I didn't. I think I said the s-word...in front of my grandma. She always only wants the best for me. Even if she doesn't consider how I'll take things when she says them, like when she would always tell me I needed to get a job and I was trying my best to do so without a car and any prospects of anything. (And even if she thinks the best for me is just what she thinks.) I hate that time, and it seems like it should have been one of the happiest because I was getting ready to marry my soul mate. Anyway, I'm sad that my watch isn't working right now. And I miss my Grammy. She's going to be in Oklahoma visiting her sister in October. She cries every time we're going to hang up the phone. I miss her that much too, I just tell her not to cry. It's so hard always wondering if I've "made it right" with the people who I would least like to hurt in the world.

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SPEC-freaking-TACULAR

I'm at Jake's old church's church camp right now. The one where I was possibly going to do something with ceramics. I got here and had no idea i was going to be doing anything with it until I was wandering through the new art building and saw my name on a paper on the door. I went there the next day, like I was supposed to, and there are three other guys teaching what's supposed to be an intro. to ceramics class. I was excited to not be solo at it...then I found out their credentials. One is a ceramics engineer (I didn't know it existed either). One has a masters in ceramics, and the other a 7 year student, who is majoring (one out of his three majors) in ceramics. I felt really awesome that I'd taken one semester in high school (though I did come away with a really awesome cabbage pot and outhouse). They were all told that I was a professional potter. I only wish I was that cool. Anway, I'm not really helping out with that class because most kids want to use the wheel, and I am a newby at that one, so thought i'd be more in the way than anything else. So I've been hanging out with Jake a ton, following the music that he plays and hoping that Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat really can come together in a week. Jake is going to teach me how to play piano when we get home...that way if we ever come back here I can play the 2nd piano part in whatever show they do. I just don't think Jake ever really wants to come back.

I think it would be fun to be the organist at church, AWESOME...with the big pipe organ and a congregation swelling behind me.

I want to judge people less. I don't think I'm really ever very mean, I sure hope I'm not anyway, but I don't want to think anything unkind about anyone...because I think that thinking it is nearly just as bad as ever saying something. I don't know how to overcome the automatic thoughts that pop into my head, but I've started saying three nice things about someone if I ever think something not nice about them.

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names

I've always been really happy that my name has a capital A in it. These are the names that Jake and I are going to name our children. I was just thinking about it and like seeing them so I thought I'd write them out.

Jacob Benjamin (Ben)
Kora Adeline Grace
Atticus Zebidee
Lyliana Kate
Curin Oliver
Alyvia Isabella
Tyne Delight

What a coincidence if it really works out that way.

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Everyone needs God, whether they know they do or not. You're a step ahead having already come to that realization. Just that little bit somehow seems like enough. "Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest (Joshua 1:9)." Nothing is irreversible. I think the step that defies logic is probably the most difficult for anyone to overcome. I know that every thing we need to make it through this lifelong journey is already inside of us.

"It's in every one of us I just remembered it's like I've been sleeping for years, I'm not awake as I can be but my seeing is better, I can see through the tears. I've been realizing that I bought this ticket and watching only half of the show. There is scenery and lights and a cast of thousands who all know what I know, and it's good that it's so...It's in every one of us, to be wise. Find your heart, Open up both you're eyes. We can all know every thing without ever knowing why....It's in every one of us by and by."

I started overcoming the part of me that I disliked more than anything in the world when I took to heart all of the scriptures like the one in Joshua. I read them a million times over (really anything that is inspiring) but until I decided that I'd "give" everything to Him (just told God all of the things I was dealing with) and trusted that I would be prompted as to what was right for me to do, that is when the real change came about. The most important part of that change was the way I felt about myself.

"Therefore, ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you; for he that asketh, receiveth; and unto him that knocketh, it shall be opened."

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Mr. Bearly and Maddie

Not last night, but the night before, I was sad. I couldn't place my finger on why. Jake brought over "two friends who he knew would make me feel better." Mr. Bearly and Maddie. They live in a cute basket behind our couch. I haven't held them at all, only straightened them up a time or two since I've been in Oklahoma. As soon as they were in my arms and I rubbed Maddie's ear between my fingers (like I used to always do before I fell asleep). I started crying. I missed something. Like I said, I'm not sure what. I'm ready to sink my feet into the soil and start growing here. I know it will all be different when school starts and I have a better opportunity to meet people, but for now, it seems hard. I go through the motions of the day, but wonder if anyone outside of Jake even cares that I exist here. I don't like to think about it that way. It's just hard to move to a completely new place after you're married and be around a bunch of people (like everyone) who isn't and expect to make the really close connections I prefer having with people, rather than the kind that just involves small talk all the time.

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Poor Mr. Ant

I'm at work right now. A guy I work with, Josh, flicked a bug out of his hair onto the counter. Then he killed it. Not with one painless blow, but he squished the back half and then watched it carry the immobile piece of himself around with just the front half. I was sad and couldn't look and didn't understand it. It is just an ant; I'm sure many more perish just like this every day. Sigh, it was just sad to see.

I'm really tired today. I went to bed around one. I woke up for a brief time around 2:30, fell back to sleep and then was awake again from 4-6:30. I don't know why. I just wake up thinking. That's how it has always been, but usually I just take a few hours to fall asleep rather than waking up to a steady stream of unusual thoughts. Eh, it's Friday. I can sleep all I want to in about 3 hours and 15 minutes. YAY!...That yay wasn't really felt, just typed to show the kind of emotion I wish I was capable of feeling right now.

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Some things...

They just never change. Or at least you feel like you should have made some progress by now, but you haven't. And you've already come to the realization that life is way shorter than it should be so there isn't enough time, or as much as you'd like there to be for something amazing to happen, and while all of this is going on, you also realize that as you're getting older everyone else is as well and that means their time is just getting smaller too.

I did a search for my grandma whom I've never met today. I've done plenty before, but this one was different. Her address and phone number came up with it. She and her husband live on Corey Avenue in Melbourne Florida. She is just a few numbers and letters away either by phone or by mail, that's it, a whole lifetime of wondering, and that's all that stands between us. That and the fact that my biological father, Lance, told me that when he brought up the idea of her and I meeting, she quickly changed the subject (and he didn't want to bring it back up because in all actuality I'm pretty sure he's a "mama's boy"). It's hard because it would be most natural to resent her for that. She's the one who I supposedly look most like, I cannot lie, I've seen pictures, I'm the only blonde on any side of my family, except for her, and she's the only one who is even close to my size. I feel like I should be allowed some resentment because I should at least get the chance, but at the same time, she wasn't her son, it wasn't her negligence that made me...but I'm here...and maybe I just feel like that should mean something to anyone, but especially to her. Silly I suppose. I don't think you really need people who don't need you, though it's always the same as far as acceptance goes. I just always wonder why it matters so much.

Someday....I'll never stop believing that something amazing can happen just where you need it to.

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dirt between my toes

On July Fourth, we were at Jake's grandparents. They have a farm with cows and horses and such. They also have a little garden, and it was time to dig up potatoes. The dirt was so soft and moist just below the very thin top layer. I went in with barefeet. I curled my toes into the soil and they sank down in a few inches. I pulled the potatoes out of the earth and it was such a neat feeling. I can wait to be the person in a big floppy hat and overalls out in the garden without any gloves (unless I have something pokey) pulling out the things that are alive because I made them that way.

Also on the fourth, Jake's cousin, Jason (and his wife, Leann) had a baby. They're a really cute little conservative couple, they named her Michelle Katherine. Of all of the days, and maybe it's for the fire works, I think that would be the greatest one to have a birthday on. Now I know two people with it. When I looked at this little baby who was less than 2 hours old, I couldn't help but get all sentimental and schmoozy on the inside. The nurses were taking blood and getting hand and foot prints. She wasn't so happy about that, but I think mostly, she was just unaware of what in the world was happening in this very new place. It was wonderful to see how Jason and Leann were with her. She was just as new to them and there was such a sense of pride and accomplishment along with this great sense of humility that goes along with the responsibility. All in all, I cannot wait to have children. I've always really wanted them, I feel like I almost know them now. There are lots of reasons why Jake and I are waiting. I really just want to have more time with just him and I before we have children, but still, when that time does come, I just don't know how I'll make it through the excitment and amazement and fear and everything at the idea of this little baby that will grow into a wonderful human being and all because Jake and I love one another more than I will ever have the ability to comprehend.

Yay for babies.

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Burned by the Sun

Yesterday we were at Jake's parents house. We laid out in the pool for about three hours. I wanted to get a tan. Usually I don't concern myself with such things, if I get some sun, great! If I glow a little more from lack of light, I'm just as okay. I just miss the ultra super sun. That makes it sound like there's more than one. I somehow feel more healthy and rejuvinated after my skin gets a little golden kiss. I set aside the threat of skin cancer and the idea that someday they might have to cut out part of my nose (that happened to my uncle, but I don't think the skin cancer was from sun bathing). I bought my first bikini ever this summer, well, really in the Spring. It's red and light blue with flowers on it. I love it, but it exposed parts of my skin that have never seen the sun, and WOWZA to the red that they still are today. I feel like I'm talking about a bunch of nothing, here, I still am. My Grammy called today around 8:48, which would be 6:48 her (Arizona) time. She likes to wake up around 4:30. I don't know if she really likes it, that's just what she does. Anyway, she bought some Mary Kay from me. The Timewise skin care system. I was glad for it because it was my first sale. The whole reason why I decided to sell Mary Kay was just to prove that I could because I've never been good at selling anything. I don't believe in pressure or saying that anything is something that it's not. I hope that it will take off really soon. If only for the belief that you can do anything you put your mind to.

I want to see how dark I can naturally get this summer. I'm 1/16 Cherokee. My GG Grandma, on my biological father's side was full blood. I think that's really neat.

Lots of people, well, two people, went to Phoenix within the last week. They have no real connection to the place. They weren't born there. Their family didn't found Mesa, but they went there and saw the sites and soaked up the sun that I miss. I don't mean to be, but I seem to find myself a little jealous.

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Maggie Moo's

Though I think it should have been Molly Moo's, just because Molly sounds more like a cow cute cow that says, "Moo." Jake and I went to this (Maggie Moo's) ice cream place tonight. It's a lot like Cold Stone Creamery. I had Better Batter with Oreos mixed in. The Better Batter tastes like the white cake mix. It was delicious.

I'm wearing "White Lace" nail polish. It's a limited color for summer that Mary Kay put out. It's chipping off because I've had it on for a while. I scratched my head and left a little white flake of it in the front. I like the idea of big white chunks of glossy dandruf in my hair. Not really, but what if it was that way?

I think about Freud's ideas a lot, sometimes.

I miss Sarah Keller. I'm sure our lives grow a little more in opposite directions every day, but I don't think we ever grow distant from one another. I miss more people than just her, though I never believe in naming names just for the sake of making someone feel at ease because even when you do name more names you leave someone out (and I always hope those other people know that I miss them anyway). I liked the night it was freezing outside and we went and sat in the back of Laura's truck and looked at the stars. I don't know if she remember, but it was just one of the small moments that I will treasure forever, not only between us, but because that's how I think life should be. Simple moments that make your mind and heart soar with wonder...that you're able to share with those closest to you. I enjoy the simple things most. I think our friendship was always simple, not the things in our lives, but us being able to be with one another, and always knowing (me always knowing) that she was my safest place.

I don't have to teach a ceramics class at SPEC, but I get to help out the art department, YES! I'll leave you with that. Jake is in bed, and I'm ready to be there too.

I can't wait for fire works...

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Dat Hipity Hop

So there's a STOMP team at OCU...TOTALLY WANT TO BE ON IT! I talked to a girl who tried out for it, well, she halfway tried out, she quit in the middle because she said she knew she just didn't have enough rhythm. Her name is Ronisha, she works with me. Moenike Sims started the STOMP team just last year. She was Miss Black Oklahoma in 2002 or 2003. Anyway, Ronisha told me that they really want to see the way you can freestyle during auditions, so they can see your rhythm. They don't want us to look like dancing robots, but to have spirit enough to move to the beat. I suppose that's so they know we can make our own. I pulled out the hippity hoppiest cd I have, and I hope that Jake doesn't get sick of it by the time Fall rolls around because that's when auditions are. I don't usually tell people I'm auditioning for things, just incase I don't get them, but I steer away from auditions anyway, because I always fear the outcome too much to ever allow one to happen. My new theme is bravery. It's silly to miss out on the things I want to do in life because I'm afraid of a little rejection. Maybe getting ready for auditions will be the way I shed the "just married weight." WOOO-HOOO!!! to that one!

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Lions

Jake's old church, Community of Christ, puts on a big thing for the Youth every summer called SPEC. He was invited to come back and play for the musical that they put on. Last year it was Footloose, this year it's Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat, which Jake loves. The man who directs/conducts the show was the one who invited Jake and eventually he wants Jake to take his job, which would be GREAT for him. I'm going with Jake and wanted to take a few classes, like ceramics. The man emailed us about flight info and such and asked if I would be willing to teach a ceramics class. WOWZA! I would love to, and I think I would be pretty decent at it, it's just that I've never actually "worked" the kiln before, and I'm sure it's not too hard, but it gets hot, and what if it explodes and I destroy this university's kiln? I think I might feel safer playing softball. And if I were brave I would audition for the musical.

I'm the lion, GROWL!!!

I wish I was the lion...G-R-O-W-L!!!!!!!

Okay, so I'm working on courage. All in all, I think they will be paying about $1,500 for Jake and me to get there and stay a week. I think that's why I don't want to say no, even though I know I shouldn't feel obligated.

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